~S.heila~G.race~A.bramoff~

i love my husband.

2011-10-13T20:49:00.003-06:00

Please trust me. I love you. I will always be there for you. You mean everything to me.

I am human. I will fail you. But I want to learn from my failures. Because I love you.

sooooo lookin' forward to my honeymoon in mexico!!!!!!

2011-09-03T10:46:00.001-06:00

I will dance all night with you my love!! mexico here we come!! two weeks!!

flanders fields of lost innocence

2011-08-31T16:32:00.002-06:00

"Field Of Innocence"
I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
[Latin hymn:]Iesu,
Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.
Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where
Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I... I want to go back to
Believing in everything
I still remember.
-By Evanescence.

coasting through the shaking

2011-08-26T00:59:00.002-06:00

heaviness clouds my heart

makes it all out of whack

and numbs me to reality

but i try to get back

to the calm cool feeling

i feel when i'm alive

when the world is floating by

i no longer strive

floating through emotions

like they're made of wind

not bogged down by chaos,

squashed down and pinned.

free to love and free to dream

excited to see the end

not dreading faults and hurts and lies

dreading around the bend

life is full of unending glories

too numerous to be told

like clouds not made of silver lining

but of solid gold

no more coasting through the shaking

waiting for it to pass

before i get my head on straight

step back through the looking glass

back to reality, back to life

back to where the world

isn't full of strife.

relax, envision, create and rest

in perfect solitude

and feel it all in purity

the basic of a mood

that's the freedom i will have

after all the ash

has been cleared away again

stopping the mad dash

at home.

in me.

in my feelings

where i should be.

and you will see the positive

outlook that i have

the calm serenity in my eyes

the words that are a save.

you'll see the joy the love for life

i've had all along

the music of life's a beautiful thing

when you live our your heart's song.

in freedom

in truth

in loving

in worth.

life.

at its fullest.

all it could be.

unhindered,

unrestrained,

opened eyes to see.

freedom from within

to live without

the stress

the press

anxiety

it will no longer

be a part of me.

love like a teenage crush

2011-07-22T12:28:00.002-06:00

now there's a poem out there that goes like this:

dance like no one's watching

sing like no one can hear.

love like you've never hurt before

live like there's nothing to fear.

but i got thinking today when i was looking at the most handsome man on earth, that love is so much more than i ever imagined it could be.

so here's a poem i wrote for my handsome, amazing, chart-topping fiance!!!!

loving you feels like every good memory

i stored deep inside of my mind

like, "remember when??" i say to myself

there is no such thing as rewind

for we're so new, and exciting

all these feelings just mounting

up out of the caves and the cracks

of a heart that is wanting

to be even closer

than the memories i'm holding

like my favourite memories of:

drinking grape crush

for the first time,

what a rush!

stuffing cheeks full of seads

spit them out

what a feed!

laying down on the grass

in the sun,

what a relax!

dipping wieners in ketchup

and french fries

what a mash-up!

jumping in a cold lake

on a hot day

what a wake!

now take all these (and there's many more

but i can't get at them all

you'd think me a bore)

and pound them together

squeeze them a lot

mix 'em together

in a big black old pot

and the joy that comes out

spreads all over my face

and i feel like i'm flying

to my favourite place

the place that's my favourite

i feel very truly

is the one where i'm with you

forever, yours truly.

and with all of my memories

tucked into my favourite spot

i feel like the world should not

try to impose upon my tender moment

where we have total commitment.

just let me sit and look at him

content in this living in the trim,

the finer things of life i discover with him,

like the comfort in the harmonies of a hymn.

i love you

always forever

near or far

truly together.

you're too handsome for me to handle.

sitting there playing with the candle.

love like a battlefield

2011-07-20T21:15:00.003-06:00

why does love always feel......

like you got shot in a battlefield.

dead by thumb-numbed

rapid eye movement.

guns blazing.

eyes glazing.

not leaving his position.

keeping his vigile.

focusing on the mission at hand.

and not the one crying on the couch.

cuz she's losing the battle.

she doesn't have a reserve.

her focus is on her being left out.

not his staying in the game.

he states it should be fine to join the battle.

it was fine for those other troops to join in.

but she wasn't on that battlefield.

where those tactics might have worked.

this battle was won by the soldiers there.

why shouldn't it work here?

but it's not the same.

doesn't he see that?

this battleground isn't the same at all.

for one, it's in an entirely different country-side.

different paths.

different directions.

completely different terrain.

but sure, he'll end the round.

after he's fulfilled duty on the battleground.

but he's lost the battle.

because he shot her heart.

bullet by bullet at that "enemy"

not realizing she heard every shot

coming directly at her.

stay.a.way.stay.a.way.

and... yet... somehow this is the battlefield.

and she knows it.

she sees he faced the battlefield

in the kitchen.

with weapons firing,

children crying,

old people running for cover behind the fridge.

trying to escape the tank

demanding her own way.

oh yes, he faced the battlefield.

and couldn't she just see that

she was shooting him in the heart.

word for word.

shot for shot.

and he's battle weary.

so he sits down to a battle

that isn't quite so deadly

to his manly heart

and his caring mind.

and he sits there and shoots

at a target that he can achieve.

he can defend and attack

and actually get ahead.

he wins the battle everytime.

not like the brewing battle

sitting on the couch behind him.

that's a losing battle right there!

so she asks him one last time

to turn from the battle at hand,

and come see her take a stand

and overcome the war in her mind,

recognize that he's a different kind

of race, of gender, of love and creed

and she sees he has very different needs

he needs to retreat for just a bit

to get his head cooled down for this

she needs an outlet to strategize

until she can see that she's more wise

than sitting around sulking.

so she changes her ways.

and puts away her gun

and so does he.

the battle's won.

spending time in prayer

2011-01-23T08:07:00.000-06:00

TRANSFORMED BY INSIGHT

"We all, with open face, beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image." 2 Corinthians 3:18

The outstanding characteristic of a Christian is this unveiled frankness before God so that the life becomes a mirror for other lives. By being filled with the Spirit we are transformed, and by beholding we become mirrors. You always know when a man has been beholding the glory of the Lord, you feel in your inner spirit that he is the mirror of the Lord's own character. Beware of anything which would sully that mirror in you; it is nearly always a good thing, the good that is not the best.

The golden rule for your life and mine is this concentrated keeping of the life open towards God. Let everything else - work, clothes, food, everything on earth - go by the board, saving that one thing. The rush of other things always tends to obscure this concentration on God. We have to maintain ourselves in the place of beholding, keeping the life absolutely spiritual all through. Let other things come and go as they may, let other people criticize as they will, but never allow anything to obscure the life that is hid with Christ in God. Never be hurried out of the relationship of abiding in Him. It is the one thing that is apt to fluctuate but it ought not to. The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep "beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord."

see me then be my sight

2011-01-09T14:24:00.001-06:00

Thou art the God of the early mornings,
the God of the late at nights,
the God of the mountain peeks,
and the God of the sea;
but, my God,
my soul has further horizons than the early mornings,
deeper darkness than the nights of earth,
higher peaks than any mountain peaks,
greater depths than any sea in nature.
Thou, who art the God of all of these,
be my God.
I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths;
there are motives I cannot trace,
dreams I cannot get at -
my God, search me out.

the past sleeping

2011-01-08T02:09:00.002-06:00

everyone has their secrets.
she has hers.
he has his.
and you have yours.
but you won't tell yours.
he told his.
and she told hers.
maybe you've never done
anything to have
your secrets.
so you sit there and judge.
and you say that
you're the victim.
you're always the victim.
and you're harsh.
and you're cold.
and you cloak it all
in smoke and mirrors.
no straight answers.
just a bunch of spidey sense.
makes her sick.
all the web you would weave.
but she refuses to get trapped.
refuses to play your game.
she sees what's going on.
there are many scenarios.
maybe you're right.
maybe you're wrong.
she's accounted for them all.
and still thinks you're partly to blame
for not knowing
how to hold secrets
in safe keeping,
both for everyone's sakes
but also your own sake -
and not torture yourself
because you have secrets
you won't own up to.
her secrets don't kill her.
his secrets don't kill him.
but your secrets will kill you.
and not affect her.
and not affect him.
hope you sleep well at night.
the thing with having secrets
is that they can be told.
but you got nothing.
no secrets.
no gems.
no timing.
just smoke and mirrors.
no substance.
secrets may not be comfortable.
but atleast they are something to give.
but you give away secrets that
aren't even yours
because you have none
of your own.
but then don't tell her
that you couldn't tell
what your secrets were.
you never had any.
you had dreams of secrets.
but they were only dreams.
and don't tell him
that you were betrayed by his
when you betrayed
his secrets.
she knows it all.
and he knows it all.
and you're out of the loop
and it's driving you mad.
cuz there are secrets
you can never be
part of the telling.

a chill mood's thots....

2011-01-01T19:06:00.000-06:00

looking forward to the weekend already :)

2010-12-09T01:33:00.002-06:00

listen to the song then read my poem.......

there is so much possibility

in who you are

in who we might be together

nothing can tell us

who we can be

other than the dreams we bring

to each other to hold.

there is no one else like you,

no one else could express

how you feel about me like you do

and it gets to me everytime

and i get bashful.

when i smile at you

when you smile at me

the world seems to stop

for even just a second

and i would hold onto that moment

for an eternity if i could.

and the music in my head

skips a beat and the poems

turn to prose

and no one knows

the simplicity of how i feel

in all those

simple, wondrous glances.

and when i wake in the night

with a feeling like God might

want me to pray

and get on my knees

and say a few words

in your favour

i jump at the chance.

and we don't have to go out

and make a big deal out of

spending money to pass the time

cuz time stands still

just being around you

no matter what we do

no matter where we are.

for me to say i'm happy

would be an understatement.

i'm just taking in

the moments here with you

with arms wide open -

open to the possibilities

with arms wide open

today is the present

and the rest is still unwritten

but i look forward to what

it will all say.

through the looking glass

2010-11-29T03:55:00.003-06:00

it's late and the stars are out

the clock has gone around twice

there's a quiet simple kinda shout

in the look, can't put a price

on the way i'm seeing the world turn out

no longer chance, designed, no roll of the dice

and it flows

and it goes

like yes, please do

keep showing who

is beyond the you

you would hide behind

want to see the kind

of person i don't mind

to spend time with

to trust myself with

to engage my mind with

to goof off with

to be me being me with

you being you

i'm gonna try this time for me.

2010-11-07T23:55:00.001-06:00

[be]coming

2010-10-25T01:45:00.004-06:00

how do i take care of me

when all that i see

is how you've controlled me

by changing how i see

you always put a twisted spin

on how i think i could win

over the darkness and the sin

but i feel as though you just can pin

an easy answer on this stuff

because life is hard and it is tough

you gotta get up off your duff

and choose to shake off and sluff

the masks and lessons that you try

to condone all the reasons why

you hide the pain, you only lie

to yourself we see you die

everyday and my oh my

i'm not convinced that's what i want

and how i'll let you daunt

my choices, places i will haunt

the memories they only taunt

and make me second guess myself

i refuse to deny that part of myself

it's not pretty but it's my self

assuredness that's my wealth

and you can't take that away

whoever you are, no not today

i won't give up, i'm finding a way

to becoming a part of the fray

in the tapestry that we call life

duking it out, enduring the strife

cause it perhaps and holding the knife

that cuts through all the things that are rife

with indecision, turmoil and bliss

because i'm starting to find that this

is the question i want kiss

becoming what i want to miss

if i change too much, i will return

to hash through it all and churn

my heart until i return

to a place where i feel like i can earn

me for me.

loving you for you.

[be]coming all we can be.

have ur cake & eat it 2

2010-10-24T02:14:00.003-06:00

there are adventures i could have,

there are dreams i wish, i will chase.

they wouldn't come close to the reality,

of what this present moment could be.

so i will enjoy the moment that i have

knowing that i held something beautiful

for only a moment, a lapse in time

even though a haunting part of me

wishes that it could be lasting.

but i always plan on having something

and it never turns into anything

and my expectation kills me.

so rather than an inevitable tearing

in my heart i will purely enjoy

what i have while i have it.

catching and holding onto a butterfly

kills it in the end because it only

decapitates the fine balance of how it flies.

you have to approach it slowly, gently,

let it walk onto you, taste you, feel you,

and linger for a moment before it leaves.

and you never forget the beauty.

in that brief moment you forget the world

and marvel in the miracle before you.

people who hold butterflies with pins under glass

are the sickest kind of people,

only enjoying the surface beauty

and pinning it down even though

it sucks the life out of something free.

there are things i can do

to try and recreate the moment -

alluring memories pulling at heartstrings

fanning the ripe fragrance of a garden.

there are certain flowers that attract butterflies

and you can relive the wonder of having

all over again, without ever owning freedom,

for then it's not freedom at all.

enjoying the beauty of something by pinning it down

isn't enjoying it for what it is at all.

there's no choice in that.

but placing a garden so butteflies want to return

is quite another story, for when they

never want to leave then their freedom of choice

makes their free state of beauty that much more rewarding.

mindgames u play w ur

2010-10-18T00:32:00.003-06:00

You always rush in and you always rush out
it's all just the same from the start
and whether you're in or whether you're out
you play that whole game with your heart.
You put one foot in and you take one foot out
hokey pokey around in your head -
tell yourself that it's easy to leave if you must
and act like your heart was just dead
though your heart is alive and controls what you do.
You refuse to let on just a tad
and you twist and you change and play games with yourself
to keep you from all that you had.
So you hold them at bay and make sure that you say
the right things at all the right times
and do what you should, not just do what you want
but get your heart out in your rhymes
cuz there it don't matter cuz no one talks back
and tells you your art is a farce -
that your deeds don't line up with the front you put up.
Indeed not much else could be worse;
the lines you rehearse as you lay down your verse,
all that mulling around in your head,
is betraying yourself from the potential wealth
of deleting old systems. They said,
"This would be good for you, this is the best,
let us define who you should be," -
messed you up from the start. You fell for the art
of the violence but still tried to see
your heart through your mind. The battered up kind
of prison you make for your eyes,
the confusion you play and the puzzles you fray -
aren't you tired of feeding you lies?
But one day you'll grow tired of being so mired
soar off in the sky with the birds
and not do what you should, and you would if you could
start feeding yourself different words.

preemptively sequester:

2010-10-08T20:12:00.004-06:00

a poem's just a poem
that i feel i want to write
my heart is pounding heavy
and i just can't sleep at night.
for all the things you make me dream
and think and feel so deep
have made my waking moments
much more dull than when i sleep.
and like a wise man once began
to orate to a crowd
i have a dream....
there are so many ways it's not allowed.
for there are risks and trials
and uncertainties for sure
and i wish my heart had surefire signs,
a wish, a kind of cure,
to make my thoughts not quite so jagged,
worn and withered down
for i'm not used to dreams come true,
a princess in a gown
was always just a novelty,
for someone else's life
how dare i think that something good
could happen, not just strife?
so i pull back and sink inside
and try to hide my thoughts
pretend as though i never had
a heart tied up in knots
and then i say, "no way not me,
i fight for what i want!"
but overcompensate so much
and make you flee my haunt
i pull away and overwhelm
to try to make you see
i'm not someone who thinks that you
would want someone like me.
like if you really saw the parts
i don't show people much
the daring, crazy, stupid me,
you wouldn't want to touch
a heart that's learning what it wants
but just can't seem to find
that safer place to be itself
to chill and just unwind
to be accepted despite all
the flaws and all the pain
perhaps you'll think that i am just
another passing rain
just walk on cooly don't look back
and leave me in the dust
of days gone by, and memories
of not a love, but lust
for all the things you want to have
and think i will provide
which i do want to give you to
but i am going to hide
the trueness of my feelings
as i don't think that i know
if you are being true to me
or putting on a show
and cuz i can't, just will not see
until you make it clear
i think i need to guard my heart
and push you to the rear
and act as though i just don't care
like i don't know my heart
preemptively sequester all
the lovely wondrous parts
and shy away, and let you try
to pull away my hands
that shield emotionally dry,
the scattered barren lands
of my heart, twas tossed aside
one too many times
and told it wasn't quite enough,
too much, or worth a dime.
and so i flee and pull away
because i get so scared
to deal with all the wonder that
we have already shared
in case it will fall on its face
i will pretend to be
unaware of how i feel
just to protect me.

hiding and seeking

2010-10-07T16:22:00.007-06:00

i want to believe that the dreams that i have can come true
that the things that i feel and think are accurate about you
and i know that my intuition is founded in a place inside
where i can size a person up even though you may try to hide
who you really are, or believe all the lies that people have told you
and hide from yourself the wonders of what you could really do.
and i wish that you could see that this could work and just believe
that you hide only from yourself and not from me do you heave
the impression of who you really are because you're afraid you might find
that the good parts of you were hurt before you really knew the kind
of decisions you were making, the consequences were beyond your scope
but i don't think that means that you can't still have the simple hope
that someone might believe in you, those parts you choose not to see
because if you did you'd realize that you believe in me
believing in you, caring about those inward parts of you
that you refuse to care about anymore because what if you
decided to care and got hurt all over again by a decision that you
felt pressured into making someone else decide rather than you
taking care of yourself - i believe you that you want to take care
of who i am and not hurt me at all, to join those beautiful moments, share,
make me secure and safe and not worry me about what might happen,
just scatter my worries and make them disappear, and dampen
my concern - but don't you see that i want to do the same
for your heart, your mind, your peace, but this game
keeps you from letting me, believing me that you could
care for yourself as much as i would.

i can do all things...

2010-09-26T00:42:00.001-06:00

THE "GO" OF RELATIONSHIP

"And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain." Matthew 5:41

The summing up of Our Lord's teaching is that the relationship which He demands is an impossible one unless He has done a supernatural work in us. Jesus Christ demands that there be not the slightest trace of resentment even suppressed in the heart of a disciple when he meets with tyranny and injustice. No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker, only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself which has gone through the mill of His spring-cleaning until there is only one purpose left - I am here for God to send me where He will. Every other thing may get fogged, but this relationship to Jesus Christ must never be.

The Sermon on the Mount is not an ideal, it is a statement of what will happen in me when Jesus Christ has altered my disposition and put in a disposition like His own. Jesus Christ is the only One Who can fulfil the Sermon on the Mount.

If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally; as long as we have the dead set purpose of being disciples we may be sure we are not. "I have chosen you." That is the way the grace of God begins. It is a constraint we cannot get away from; we can disobey it, but we cannot generate it. The drawing is done by the supernatural grace of God, and we never can trace where His work begins. Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are easy to us naturally; He only asks us to do the things we are perfectly fitted to do by His grace, and the cross will come along that line always.

the river will flow

2010-09-06T14:14:00.008-06:00

here i sit

listening to the hum of a guitar

listen to

my brother putz and fix a vaccuum

it's raining

outside so no horse rides

will happen

on a day like this one

just sitting

and enjoying each others' presence.

the rain is

sounding on the leaves like

little elves

wearing little wooden clogs

there is no

city noise or busy-ness or rushing

around to

the next big thing or the next social circle

just nature

and the hum of a guitar

as the rain

soothes my stressed out nerves

i really

missed getting away from it all

i need to

do this more often, just

enjoying life

like the stream

of water trickling down the hill

making its

way to the lake like a small river

wash over

the rocks, creating something smooth

from the rough

and jagged. how i wish my

heart were like

that but i feel like there is so much

i don't know

about why i feel the way i do

and the stream

of my heart gradually changes direction

and i see

that who i was, was not who i want to be

and it flows

on and on and on wearing down the countryside

of who i

really am and am becoming

gradually

and slowly even though sometimes

it gets violent

and white water forms but

over time

the water wears it down until it is a

peaceful brook

once again and i can rest and know

that my heart

is at peace once again.

ebb and flow.

i don't know.

but my heart

is like a river.

and it will flow.

but what will flow out

has yet to be determined.

He who believes in Me . . . out of his heart will flow rivers of living water —John 7:38

A river reaches places which its source never knows. And Jesus said that, if we have received His fullness, “rivers of living water” will flow out of us, reaching in blessing even “to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8 ) regardless of how small the visible effects of our lives may appear to be. We have nothing to do with the outflow— “This is the work of God, that you believe. . .” ( John 6:29 ). God rarely allows a person to see how great a blessing he is to others.

A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers. For a while it goes steadily on its course, but then comes to an obstacle. And for a while it is blocked, yet it soon makes a pathway around the obstacle. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, only later to emerge again even broader and greater than ever. Do you see God using the lives of others, but an obstacle has come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ— not emotion nor experience— nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.

Think of the healing and far-reaching rivers developing and nourishing themselves in our souls! God has been opening up wonderful truths to our minds, and every point He has opened up is another indication of the wider power of the river that He will flow through us. If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has developed and nourished in you mighty, rushing rivers of blessing for others.

through it all.....

2010-08-08T21:41:00.003-06:00

life is good. and youth is a treasure. but both are fleeting. sure, the timing of life seems like it will drag on and on, but then what happens? the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west.

people come and go.

friendships ebb and flow.

family you hopefully always know.

but really, what about the rest?

fads, fashions, songs, artists, athletes - most are forgotten at the end of the day, with the rare exception of someone who miraculously was deemed "worthy" of remembering by some sort of elite society (although when it comes to artists, it's usually only after they're dead anyways)... we work for a short while, we play at something as long as our bodies allow us; whether it's our legs, hands, eyes or ears that start to fade as we get older. what if one day i can't do any of the things that i enjoy right now? after all, i won't always be the way i am today. i won't have the things i have forever. and the world is always changing. so what will i do? i can enjoy the things that never change.

a sunset is always beautiful.

the smell of rain is always refreshing.

babies will always be born and be lovely to hold.

........................and the Word of the Lord remains forever.

if my eyes go, there will always be the family of Christ to read it to me. if my ears go too, i've stored it up in my heart. and i will always know that one day when this short life is over i will get to meet the most amazing Lord anyone could ever have, and that i've served Him, and that He's loved me, even when i've messed up. He's perfect and just, and i am quite fearful to hear what He says, after all He's not entirely predictable, but He is who makes the constant good things in life. even the good stuff that hurts like crazy because i'm being chastised or corrected somehow. even that is good.

so yes, the whole of life is good.

and His love turns the whole situation around.

and His family is the silver lining.

and that's why i like this song. it reminds me of all that.

a time

2010-07-31T22:48:00.003-06:00

it's strange that i would be writing a post about not having words, but that's exactly what i'm about to attempt. i have this feeling that i don't know how to explain. perhaps this will prove me wrong. and i've retyped so many sentences it's not funny. so i think it's POEM time...........

i'm up and down
i'm all around
without knowing where
i'm really at peace.
it seems i find a spot
and then it's not
it ends too soon
or never really began
but then it comes back
and my head's in a spin
i might always feel
like a wandering soul
like the wind
without a home
a place of my own
where i mesh
with the world around me
not this globe
with people that rush around
with no direction
no intention
no persuasion
mediocrity
but i'm not even lonely
i'm getting by
in that regard
can't complain at all
and i'm certainly at home
in my lil place
with lil pieces of grace
shown to me
day by day
i like my spot
and yet it's not
what it ought
to be
but what is that
supposed to be?
and me and God?
oh we're great
but me and myself?
um... we could be better
i could be less
i could be more
i could be funny
i could be hardcore
i could be so many things
but would i
still be me?
i don't know.
i don't even know what me is
right now
i don't even know which way is up
which way is down
i sound like i'm high
or drunk
or disillusioned
but i'm not
perhaps i'm seeing things
as they really are
for what they really mean
ecclesiastes
as lasting as the wind
it will all be gone tomorrow
it's not sad
it's not happy
it just is
maybe the lesson is to
accept things as they are
not try to change them too much
who invented change anyways?
i could write a song
with the most brilliant lyrics
i could paint a picture
with the most vivid colours
i could write a book
with the most amazing plot
but.....
who came up with song
in the first place?
who came up with artistry
in the first place?
who wrote the first word
in the first place?
... it's all been said
it's all been done
someone has been there before
except for in my head
no one but me and God
has been there before
no one knows the way i see
no one knows the way i hear
the explosion of fire in my brain
everytime i hear a wind chime
the thud of my heart
everytime i see the threads
pull apart
the tapestry unwind
it all ties together
it all breaks down
and it all gets built back up
by people thinking they're
doing something new
but it's just rebuilding
more future ruins

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

ReSpoNsE of LoVE: oBediEnTLy SuRreNdeR

2010-07-19T12:58:00.006-06:00

..................................... when we hear that someone was "on their knees," the first thing that comes to mind is usually, "oh, they were praying..." but what if they were actually BOWING to the King of Kings? what if they were obeying, and falling down in reverence? we don't hear of that so much anymore. atleast i don't think that i did. and to tell the truth, i didn't really ever WANT to obey. sure, i did, in a lot of things, but this nature inside of me to be disagreeable and fight obedience when i know that i ought to do something controlled a large part of my life if not all of it. but lately the words of Jesus have really been challenging me to put into practise what i know. i had a conversation with my grandfather about the difference between knowledge and wisdom. i can be full of knowledge and understanding, but if i don't know what to do with it, i'm not wise. the rubber's gotta meet the road sometime. and lately in my prayer life, God has been meeting me and challenging me to start DOING what i know that i should. and that there's POWER when i do!!! obedience shows love in action. not just a relationship in words only. but actually SHOWING God i love Him, but DOING what He says i should. i am a daughter of the King, but i haven't been wanting to show it. like it would make me stand out and be weird....... like my life is being controlled by someone else................
Romans 6:15-17
15 Well then, since God’s grace has set us free from the law, does that mean we can go on sinning? Of course not! 16 Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. 17 Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teaching we have given you.
John 15:9-11
9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. 10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. 11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!
..............................................................okay, now try to understand this one........
..........................................i've been purposely obeying when God tells me to do something. and i'm happier than i should be. and my life is being blessed. all the everyday little things are now HUGE blessings. and God is showing me that He's in EVERY part of my life when i obey Him in all the ways that i can: financially (tithing), emotionally (talking through issues instead of running away or ignoring them), socially (being myself and being honest with friends and letting the course of things happen instead of forcing things with friends to work, i will have the friends who are genuine and not have the friends who aren't), and mentally (being able to focus and not get overwhelmed or space out and get frustrated that i spaced out). His joy is overflowing into everything!!! and i just don't understand it, but ask me if i'm gonna give this up?? No way!!!.........
1 John 2:2-4
2 He himself is the sacrifice that atones for our sins—and not only our sins but the sins of all the world. 3 And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments. 4 If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth.
.................................................................i like blunt warnings. perhaps that's why i like the prophets, and straight up answers from people. no second guessing, no beating around the bush. just a straightforward response. now...... if i don't obey, i'm not in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP with God. i'm not righteous. i'm not DEALING JUSTLY with people, because i'm not doing what i know that i should. as Oswald Chambers will say later on, obedience is between equals: "I and my Father are One." they are together in relationship. The Son obeyed - responded in accordance with what the Father wanted because He knew the Father, and loved the Father, and did so much so that He did what the Father wanted. He is the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE. He dealt justly with ALL humanity with how He obeyed the Father, through the cross, because it was all about relationship.
..........................now, my life..... Jesus prayed that I would be one with the Father just as He was. right relationship. i should obey the Father. be obeying as equals, because i am one with Him (I am NOT GOD, lemme just clear that up in case someone wanted to go on a tangent about it) and in relationship with Him. i will obey - respond in accordance with what the Father wants because I know Him, and love Him, and want what God wants. so then i will deal justly with people, because i will treat them how Jesus wants me to treat them. He will give me the instruction, and guidance to do that. but it's gonna take getting away in quiet moments to spend time with Him to know what He wants me to do. and calling out to Him when i'd much rather not, but i will still obey.......................

my utmost for His highest...
MASTERY OVER THE BELIEVER
"Ye call Me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am." John 13:13
Our Lord never insists on having authority; He never says - Thou shalt. He leaves us perfectly free - so free that we can spit in His face, as men did; so free that we can put Him to death, as men did; and He will never say a word. But when His life has been created in me by His Redemption I instantly recognize His right to absolute authority over me. It is a moral domination - "Thou art worthy . . ." It is only the unworthy in me that refuses to bow down to the worthy. If when I meet a man who is more holy than myself, I do not recognize his worthiness and obey what comes through him, it is a revelation of the unworthy in me. God educates us by means of people who are a little better than we are, not intellectually but "holily," until we get under the domination of the Lord Himself, and then the whole attitude of the life is one of obedience to Him.
If Our Lord insisted upon obedience He would become a taskmaster, and He would cease to have any authority. He never insists on obedience, but when we do see Him we obey Him instantly, He is easily Lord, and we live in adoration of Him from morning till night. The revelation of my growth in grace is the way in which I look upon obedience. We have to rescue the word "obedience" from the mire. Obedience is only possible between equals; it is the relationship between father and son, not between master and servant. "I and My Father are one." "Though He were a Son, yet learned He obedience by the things which He suffered." The Son's obedience was as Redeemer, because He was Son, not in order to be Son.
Psalm 119:57-65 (New American Standard Bible)
(C) Heth.
57The LORD is my portion;
I have promised to keep Your words.
58I sought Your favor with all my heart;
Be gracious to me
according to Your word.
59I considered my ways
And turned my feet to Your testimonies.
60I hastened and did not delay
To keep Your commandments.
61The cords of the wicked have encircled me,
But I have not forgotten Your law.
62At midnight I shall rise to give thanks to You
Because of Your righteous ordinances.
63I am a companion of all those who fear You,
And of those who keep Your precepts.
64The earth is full of Your lovingkindness, O LORD;
Teach me Your statutes.

What are you haunted by?

2010-06-02T22:38:00.003-06:00

"What is man that he feareth the Lord?" Psalm 25:12

What are you haunted by? You will say - By nothing, but we are all haunted by something, generally by ourselves, or, if we are Christians, by our experience. The Psalmist says we are to be haunted by God. The abiding consciousness of the life is to be God, not thinking about Him. The whole of our life inside and out is to be absolutely haunted by the presence of God. A child's conwciousness is so mother-haunted that although the child is not consciously thinking of its mother, yet when calamity arises, the relationship that abides is that of the mother. So we are to live and move and have our being in God, to look at everything in relation to God, because the abiding consciousness of God pushes itself to the front all the time.

If we are haunted by God, nothing else can get in, no cares, no tribulation, no anxieties. We see now why Our Lord so emphasized the sin of worry. How can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us? To be haunted by God is to have an effective barricade against all the onslaughts of the enemy.

"His soul shall dwell at ease." In tribulation, misunderstanding, slander in the midst of all these things, if our life is hid with Christ in God, He will keep us at ease. We rob ourselves of the marvellous revelation of this abiding companionship of God. "God is our Refugre." - nothing can come through that shelter.

living in obscurity

2010-05-01T21:58:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
INSIGHT NOT EMOTION
"I have to lead my life in faith, without seeing Him." 2 Corinthians 5:7
For a time we are conscious of God's attentions, then, when God begins to use us in His enterprises, we take on a pathetic look and talk of the trials and the difficulties, and all the time God is trying to make us do our duty as obscure people. None of us would be obscure spiritually if we could help it. Can we do our duty when God has shut up heaven? Some of us always want to be illuminated saints with golden haloes and the flush of inspiration, and to have the saints of God dealing with us all the time. A gilt-edged saint is no good, he is abnormal, unfit for daily life, and altogether unlike God. We are here as men and women, not as half-fledged angels, to do the work of the world, and to do it with an infinitely greater power to stand the turmoil because we have been born from above.
If we try to re-introduce the rare moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are making a fetish of the moments when God did come and speak, and insisting that He must do it again; whereas what God wants us to do is to "walk by faith." How many of us have laid ourselves by, as it were, and said - "I cannot do any more until God appears to me." He never will, and without any inspiration, without any sudden touch of God, we will have to get up. Then comes the surprise - "Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!" Never live for the rare moments, they are surprises. God will give us touches of inspiration when He sees we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never make our moments of inspiration our standard; our standard is our duty.

the future is now.

2010-04-21T16:53:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest.....
NOW DON'T HURT THE LORD!
"Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known Me, Philip?" John 14:9
Our Lord must be repeatedly astounded at us - astounded at how un-simple we are. It is opinions of our own which make us stupid, when we are simple we are never stupid, we discern all the time. Philip expected the revelation of a tremendous mystery, but not in the One Whom he knew. The mystery of God is not in what is going to be, it is now; we look for it presently, in some cataclysmic event. We have no reluctance in obeying Jesus, but it is probable that we are hurting Him by the questions we ask. "Lord, show us the Father." His answer comes straight back - "There He is, always here or nowhere." We look for God to manifest Himself to His children: God only manifests Himself in His children. Other people see the manifestation, the child of God does not. We want to be conscious of God; we cannot be conscious of our consciousness and remain sane. If we are asking God to give us experiences, or if conscious experience is in the road, we hurt the Lord. The very questions we ask hurt Jesus because they are not the questions of a child.
"Let not your heart be troubled" - then am I hurting Jesus by allowing my heart to be troubled? If I believe the character of Jesus, am I living up to my belief? Am I allowing anything to perturb my heart, any morbid questions to come in? I have to get to the implicit relationship that takes everything as it comes from Him. God never guides presently, but always now. Realize that the Lord is here now, and the emancipation is immediate.

asking for help.

2010-04-13T16:26:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
WHAT TO DO UNDER THE CONDITIONS
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord." Psalm 55:22
We must distinguish between the burden-bearing that is right and the burden-bearing that is wrong. We ought never to bear the burden of sin or of doubt, but there are burdens placed on us by God which He does not intend to lift off, He wants us to roll them back on Him. "Cast that He hath given thee upon the Lord." (R.V. marg.) If we undertake work for God and get out of touch with Him, the sense of responsibility will be overwhelmingly crushing; but if we roll back on God that which He has put upon us, He takes away the sense of responsibility by bringing in the realization of Himself.
Many workers have gone out with high courage and fine impulses, but with no intimate fellowship with Jesus Christ, and before long they are crushed. They do not know what to do with the burden, it produces weariness, and people say - "What an embittered end to such a beginning!"
"Roll thy burden upon the Lord" - you have been bearing it all; deliberately put one end on the shoulders of God. "The government shall be upon His shoulder." Commit to God "that He hath given thee"; not fling it off, but put it over on to Him and yourself with it, and the burden is lightened by the sense of companionship. Never disassociate yourself from the burden.

letting go of it all.

2010-04-12T13:26:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
MORAL DOMINION
"Death hath no more dominion over Him . . . in that He liveth, He liveth unto God. Likewise reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God." Romans 6:9-11
Co-Eternal Life. Eternal life was the life which Jesus Christ exhibited on the human plane, and it is the same life, not a copy of it, which is manifested in our mortal flesh when we are born of God. Eternal life is not a gift from God, eternal life is the gift of God. The energy and the power which was manifested in Jesus will be manifested in us by the sheer sovereign grace of God when once we have made the moral decision about sin.
"Ye shall receive the power of the Holy Ghost" - not power as a gift from the Holy Ghost; the power is the Holy Ghost, not something which He imparts. The life that was in Jesus is made ours by means of His Cross when once we make the decision to be identified with Him. If it is difficult to get right with God, it is because we will not decide definitely about sin. Immediately we do decide, the full life of God comes in. Jesus came to give us endless supplies of life: "that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God." Eternal Life has nothing to do with Time, it is the life which Jesus lived when He was down here. The only source of Life is the Lord Jesus Christ.
The weakest saint can experience the power of the Deity of the Son of God if once he is willing to "let go." Any strand of our own energy will blur the life of Jesus. We have to keep letting go, and slowly and surely the great full life of God will invade us in every part, and men will take knowledge of us that we have been with Jesus.

dying alone.

2010-04-10T11:16:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest....
MORAL DECISION ABOUT SIN
"Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin." Romans 6:6
Co-Crucifixion. Have I made this decision about sin - that it must be killed right out in me? It takes a long time to come to a moral decision about sin, but it is the great moment in my life when I do decide that just as Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world, so sin must die out in me, not be curbed or suppressed or counteracted, but crucified. No one can bring anyone else to this decision. We may be earnestly convinced, and religiously convinced, but what we need to do is to come to the decision which Paul forces here.
Haul yourself up, take a time alone with God, make the moral decision and say - "Lord, identify me with Thy death until I know that sin is dead in me." Make the moral decision that sin in you must be put to death.
It was not a divine anticipation on the part of Paul, but a very radical and definite experience. Am I prepared to let the Spirit of God search me until I know what the disposition of sin is - the thing that lusts against the Spirit of God in me? Then if so, will I agree with God's verdict on that disposition of sin - that it should be identified with the death of Jesus? I cannot reckon myself "dead indeed unto sin" unless I have been through this radical issue of will before God.
Have I entered into the glorious privilege of being crucified with Christ until all that is left is the life of Christ in my flesh and blood? "I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me."

something stirring, something burning.

2010-04-05T13:33:00.003-06:00

BOOK: Safely Home
Author: Randy Alcorn
Rating: *100*/5 Stars
I have finished reading a book that gripped my heart and did an incredible amount of stirring in my prayer life. The church in China is persecuted, tortured, and yet we're told by the Chinese government that it is only the ones that disobey the law... and here in North America we are not concerned. We are concerned about the violations of human rights, but do we really do much to solve the problem?? Can anything really be done?? I think that tackling the big picture of the problem is increasingly difficult, as the Bible says, it will get worse before it gets better. But what can we over here do?? WE CAN PRAY!!! Do not underestimate the power of prayer, for it is the very thing which might buy someone more time to evangelize. It could be the very link that liberates someone from their prison cell miraculously, or that opens all the doors of a prison simultaneously so that the pastors and Kingdom workers can reach the unreached in remote areas. But you will not pray if.....
... you do not realize that our forefathers came to this continent for religious freedom because they were being persecuted for their faith,
... you do not realize that our forefathers came to this continent because they were being told to fight for unjust, evil and debauched political regimes, and because they refused to swear allegiance to state they were persecuted.
Our forefathers knew and understood that we belong to a Kingdom that is greater and that we swear allegiance to an Authority above all authorities.
Sooo.... I urge you to pray. Get down on your knees, show your spiritual humility by humbling yourself physically, and intercede for those whose voices are not perceived by the deaf powers of this world, but whose petitions and concerns are heard at a whisper level by the Almighty Lord of heaven and earth!!!

HIS AGONY AND OUR FELLOWSHIP

"Then cometh Jesus with them unto a place called Gethsemane, and saith unto the disciples, tarry ye here, and watch with Me." Matthew 26:36, 38

We can never fathom the agony in Gethsemane, but at least we need not misunderstand it. It is the agony of God and Man in one, face to face with sin. We know nothing about Gethsemane in personal experience. Gethsemane and Calvary stand for something unique; they are the gateway into Life for us.

It was not the death on the cross that Jesus feared in Gethsemane; He stated most emphatically that He came on purpose to die. In Gethsemane He feared lest He might not get through as Son of Man. He would get through as Son of God - Satan could not touch Him there; but Satan's onslaught was that He would get through as an isolated Figure only; and that would mean that He could be no Saviour. Read the record of the agony in the light of the temptation: "Then the devil leaveth Him for a season." In Gethsemane Satan came back and was again overthrown. Satan's final onslaught against our Lord as Son of Man is in Gethsemane.

The agony in Gethsemane is the agony of the Son of God in fulfilling His destiny as the Saviour of the world. The veil is drawn aside to reveal all it cost Him to make it possible for us to become sons of God. His agony is the basis of the simplicity of our salvation. The Cross of Christ is a triumph for the Son of Man. It was not only a sign that Our Lord had triumphed, but that He had triumphed to save the human race. Every human being can get through into the presence of God now because of what the Son of Man went through.

the Son will rise tomorrow!!

2010-04-03T20:55:00.003-06:00

i feel like there is so much that i running through my head, but to type it all out would take waaaay too much time and effort. needless to say, what i'm discovering this Easter is the power of the resurrection. First, it was the fact that like Judas, I betray Christ over and over with my lifestyle. there was much much much more to it than that, but that's pretty personal and i don't really feel like typing all that out. i know i know... coming from an expressive, and declarative person it seems rather strange, but here's the point: i betray Christ. my sin crucified Him. and He took it. but He didn't stay DEAD. no, that's right!! He rose again, and so everytime that I mess up, I have another chance at life. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow..." the things in life that I am blind to, that crucify Him over and over again, the things He holds me responsible for, even though I know them not, are exactly the things that I get a second chance in. He holds me responsible, but I don't pay the price. Jesus did. And i just don't understand that at all, that's beyond my knowing, and where I find my peace. i get a second chance even though... "i once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now i see......."

IF THOU HADST KNOWN!

"If thou hadst known . . . in this thy day, the things which belong unto thy peace! but now they are hid from thine eyes." Luke 19:42

Jesus had entered into Jerusalem in triumph, the city was stirred to its foundations; but a strange god was there, the pride of Pharisaism; it was religious and upright, but a "whited sepulchre."

What is it that blinds me in this "my day"? Have I a strange god - not a disgusting monster, but a disposition that rules me? More than once God has brought me face to face with the strange god and I thought I should have to yield, but I did not do it. I got through the crisis by the skin of my teeth and I find myself in the possession of the strange god still; I am blind to the things which belong to my peace. It is an appalling thing that we can be in the place where the Spirit of God should be getting at us unhinderedly, and yet increase our condemnation in God's sight.

"If thou hadst known" - God goes direct to the heart, with the tears of Jesus behind. These words imply culpable responsibility; God holds us responsible for what we do not see. "Now they are hid from thine eyes" - because the disposition has never been yielded. The unfathomable sadness of the "might have been!" God never opens doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut, doors which need never have been shut, imaginations which need never have been sullied. Never be afraid when God brings back the past. Let memory have its way. It is a minister of God with its rebuke and chastisement and sorrow. God will turn the "might have been" into a wonderful culture for the future.

receiving my sight... finally.

2010-04-02T23:57:00.001-06:00

THE GLORY THAT EXCELS

"The Lord . . . hath sent me that thou mightest receive thy sight." Acts 9:17

When Paul received his sight, he received spiritually an insight into the Person of Jesus Christ, and the whole of his subsequent life and preaching was nothing but Jesus Christ - "I determined not to know anything among you, save Jesus Christ, and Him crucified." No attraction was ever allowed to hold the mind and soul of Paul save the face of Jesus Christ.

We have to learn to maintain an unimpaired state of character up to the last notch revealed in the vision of Jesus Christ.

The abiding characteristic of a spiritual man is the interpretation of the Lord Jesus Christ to himself, and the interpretation to others of the purposes of God. The one concentrated passion of the life is Jesus Christ. Whenever you meet this note in a man, you feel he is a man after God's own heart.

Never allow anything to deflect you from insight into Jesus Christ. It is the test of whether you are spiritual or not. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you.

poem of surrender

2010-03-26T15:28:00.004-06:00

i am happy. don't really have much words about it. it's all music buzzing around in my head. and i can't write that out with words. the music is in full swing. and i'm happier than i know how to express. now that's a rarity.

...............written a day later....
Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

a heart underwater
perhaps there is so much more
than i could have imagined before
if what i think is true and what i hope for right
than maybe things will happen as my heart puts into sight
for i still know that You are the one
who holds the stars and sun
and You care about my heart in a way
i never imagined before today.
how can i really see the fullnes of Your glory
how can i really feel the fullness of your grace
when as a sinful human being i fall on my face.
but You lift my eyes and touch my heart
and say it's all going to play a part
in a grand design, in a glorious end
of which You are the One to mend
the tattered edges that fall apart
and make my life a work of art.
i will pass through the waters and fire and flame
and You will say again and again,

"i love you, you are my friend,
you don't need to run from the good anymore
I'm standing on the other side of that door,
knocking and asking for you to depend,
on my words, you will suspend.
the life I have for you will be tremendous
the hopes I have for you stupendous
you're a lot further ahead than you were before,
now we're here at this brand new door.
let Me see. open your eyes. take a chance
and through the rest of your life we'll dance
through fire and water and storm and strife,
Me and you, that's the beauty of life."

VISION BY PERSONAL CHARACTER
"Come up hither, and I will shew thee things." Revelation 4:1
An elevated mood can only come out of an elevated habit of personal character. If in the externals of your life you live up to the highest you know, God will continually say - "Friend, go up higher." The golden rule in temptation is - Go higher. When you get higher up, you face other temptations and characteristics. Satan uses the strategy of elevation in temptation, and God does the same, but the effect is different. When the devil puts you into an elevated place, he makes you screw your idea of holiness beyond what flesh and blood could ever hear, it is a spiritual acrobatic performance, you are just poised and dare not move; but when God elevates you by His grace into the heavenly places, instead of finding a pinnacle to cling to, you find a great table-land where it is easy to move.
Compare this week in your spiritual history with the same week last year and see how God has called you up higher. We have all been brought to see from a higher standpoint. Never let God give you one point of truth which you do not instantly live up to. Always work it out, keep in the light of it.
Growth in grace is measured not by the fact that you have not gone back, but that you have an insight into where you are spiritually; you have heard God say "Come up higher," not to you personally, but to the insight of your character.
"Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?" God has to hide from us what He does until by personal character we get to the place where He can reveal it.

cry out.

2010-03-24T15:49:00.002-06:00

..................today i'm crying. not because of anything that's inherantly wrong in life, but some things are working out wonderfully, and other things are at a stand still. and trusting God is seeming really hard right now. I feel like there's this big storm all around me, and i could do so much wrong if i try to do it all on my own. i feel like so much is being wrecked, and there are so many things that i want to say to fix it all. so much advise i could give myself and others to make all the heartache and storms go away. but it seems as though i'm not being allowed to. because i'm not all that and more. let go let God....

my utmost for His highest...
DECREASING INTO HIS PURPOSE
"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30
If you become a necessity to a soul, you are out of God's order. As a worker, your great responsibility is to be a friend of the Bridegroom. When once you see a soul in sight of the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been in the right direction, and instead of putting out a hand to prevent the throes, pray that they grow ten times stronger until there is no power on earth or in hell that can hold that soul away from Jesus Christ. Over and over again, we become amateur providences, we come in and prevent God; and say - "This and that must not be." Instead of proving friends of the Bridegroom, we put our sympathy in the way, and the soul will one day say - "That one was a thief, he stole my affections from
Jesus, and I lost my vision of Him."
Beware of rejoicing with a soul in the wrong thing, but see that you do rejoice in the right thing. "The friend of the Bridegroom . . . rejoiceth greatly because of the
Bridegroom's voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. He must increase, but I
must decrease."
This is spoken with joy and not with sadness - at last they are to see the Bridegroom! And John says this is his joy. It is the absolute effacement of the worker, he is never thought of again.
Watch for all you are worth until you hear the Bridegroom's voice in the life of another. Never mind what havoc it brings, what upsets, what crumblings of health, rejoice with divine hilarity when once His voice is heard. You may often see Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it. (Cf. Matt. 10:34.)

The Story of English Part 1

2010-03-23T13:19:00.004-06:00

Hey so I'm studying English and sometimes I get really upset at all the silly rules, and exceptions and feel like English is just a hodge-podge of languages. As you watch these videos, you'll discover that's exactly what it is. These videos are full of random facts that make up a beautiful whole. Once you watch the first video, it should continue onto the next one of the seven videos that make up the whole.

Book 2 Note: SEX GOD

2010-03-22T12:30:00.003-06:00

Book: Sex God
Author: Rob Bell
My Rating: 5/5 Stars!!!!!!!

Alright, so I never give a 5/5 but this book totally deserved it. It grabbed my attention and kept it the whole way through and I must say that I'll probably read it a couple more times.

Bell's way of unwrapping the meaning behind scripture, both culturally and linguistically is truly astounding. He explores the true nature of intimacy, and in his holistic approach to Christian living examines the way that the spiritual and physical are actually one. His whole point, "This is actually that," draws the reader into an active dialogue about their own life, and how unfulfilled wants and desires point to an incorrectly asked equation.

This book will call things into the light in your life that you never imagined, force you to remove your heart and examine it and then say, "Wasn't that nice?" It'll flip a lot upside down in your psyche.

....................................now for today...

THE BURNING HEART
"Did not our heart burn within us?" Luke 24:32
We need to learn this secret of the burning heart. Suddenly Jesus appears to us, the fires are kindled, we have wonderful visions, then we have to learn to keep the secret of the burning heart that will go through anything. It is the dull, bald, dreary, commonplace day, with commonplace duties and people, that kills the burning heart unless we have learned the secret of abiding in Jesus.
Much of our distress as Christians comes not because of sin, but because we are ignorant of the laws of our own nature.

For instance, the only test as to whether we ought to allow an
emotion to have its way is to see what the outcome of the emotion will
be.

Push it to its logical conclusion, and if the outcome is something God would condemn, allow it no more way. But if it be an emotion kindled by the Spirit of God and you do not let that emotion have its right issue in your life, it will react on a lower level. That is the way sentimentalists are made. The higher the emotion is, the deeper the degradation will be, if it is not worked out on its proper level. If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many things inevitable as possible, let the consequences be what they will. We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration, but we must obey the light we received there; we must act it out. When God gives a vision, transact business on that line, no matter what it costs.

"We cannot kindle when we will

The fire which in the heart resides,

The spirit bloweth and is still,

In mystery our soul abides;

But tasks in hours of insight will'd

Can be through hours of gloom fulfill'd."

...................there is something that i want right now, but i have to wait. i have to weigh out the options and see what the outcomes could be. there are so many questions to ask, so many things to consider, and i feel my heart burning within me. and the torture of it is that it's gonna burn for a while, cuz i won't make a rash decision about things. work. life. family. friends. priorities. it's all there. it's all affected. and it's affected by >>>my quiet time with Jesus<<< the rubber has hit the road, things are snowballing beyond my control, and while i'm not comfortable with this, i know that it has to happen and that i have to live in this season. it's complicated. more complicated than i could have imagined. but i know who's voice i have to listen to, and that means spending enough time with Jesus that i recognize His voice when He calls.
....... which reminds me of:
John 10
Parable of the Good Shepherd

1"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter by the door into the fold of the sheep, but climbs up some other way, he is a thief and a robber. 2"But he who enters by the door is a shepherd of the sheep. 3"To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4"When he puts forth all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5"A stranger they simply will not follow, but will flee from him, because they do not know the voice of strangers."
6This figure of speech Jesus spoke to them, but they did not understand what those things were which He had been saying to them.
7So Jesus said to them again, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. 8"All who came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them. 9"I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.
10"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. 11"I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.
12"He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them.
13"He flees because he is a hired hand and is not concerned about the sheep.
14"I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, 15even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep.

............i need to know the Shepherd's voice, and follow what He says.

Book to Note: Steering Through Chaos

2010-03-09T14:24:00.003-06:00

BOOK: Steering Through Chaos

My Rating: 4.5/5 Stars

Content:

It basically unwraps the 7 Deadly Sins and constrasts them with the Beatitudes from Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. Using portions of well known literature to illustrate his point, Guinness does an expert job of relevantly, accurately, and sensitively unmasking sin, and then pointing the reader in the right direction. It is wonderfully done in context, and the numerous quotes from contemporaries and influential leaders leave the reader feeling connected to the rest of humanity in their need for an Almighty God - to transform them by the renewing of thier minds, both ethically and practically. I read this in Bible College, but as most of us know, the real world is a crash course, and it's good to refresh and remind oneself of what is important and what's at stake.

spinning on the ocean

2010-03-09T13:14:00.003-06:00

wow. here's a poem that i wrote while listening to this amazing instrumental:

Spinnin on the Ocean

i'm sitting on the edge of the unknown
with incredible peace to call my own
and yet you still call and grab my senses
and your peace and love break down my defenses
with unexpressible joy i dance in your presence
and you rejoice over me.

though homely or pretty, outgoing or shy
you love me just the same
with all my moods all my faults
you look down and i feel no shame
the business of life doesn't get in the way
from your love that's there every single day
and it comes back again and again in the pit of despair
and lifts my head to look up where
you still wait and dance over me
and call me precious and then we
spin like a top on the edge of the world
not afraid of all that might unfurl
cuz you're in control and i'm unafraid
of all that might be tomorrow and today

such energy flows through my veins as i
look in your face as the world spins up high
don't let me fall, please don't let go
i want to still be here tomorrow
in your tender loving arms where
we forget the world up in the air
as the ocean swirls beneath our feet.
and i'm sure that i'm yours.

i'm already free.

2010-03-06T18:48:00.000-06:00

waking up in the dream....

2010-02-20T19:11:00.003-06:00

.........................i'm preparing to go. there is so much to do. last night i told my mom that it's getting hard to not waste time that could be productively used when i sit there and dream about what will happen. for that matter, it's not just dreaming away the day that hurts so bad in the end, it's realizing that i've spent so much time dreaming that all the preparation got overlooked, and then arrive and not know how to do anything! that's a scary thought.
............The other night God taught me something in my sleep. Something I'll need to know for going to Japan. i woke up and was like, "holy holy holy are you God!" i don't need to dream and imagine because God is also preparing me in my sleep. now where do you find that in anyone else's experiences??? i have no idea. Jesus is bursting out of the bubble/box i as a human assumed He belonged. i've been asking Him to exceed my impression, experience, my understanding of who He is. but i didn't think he'd do it quite like this!!! meeting with Him on His terms is leaving me lying on my face in awe, and then excited to tell everyone about it and Him, and joyously worship. ps. i'm looking forward to being done reading the book The Trivialization of God. The Holy Spirit is using it powerfully to put me in check. stay tuned for more on this book............
my utmost for His highest...
THE INITIATIVE AGAINST DREAMING
"Arise, let us go hence." John 14:31
Dreaming about a thing in order to do it properly is right; but dreaming about it when we should be doing it is wrong. After Our Lord had said those wonderful things to His disciples, we might have expected that He would tell them to go away and meditate over them all; but Our Lord never allowed "mooning." When we are getting into contact with God in order to find out what He wants, dreaming is right; but when we are inclined to spend our time in dreaming over what we have been told to do, it is a bad thing and God's blessing is never on it. God's initiative is always in the nature of a stab against this kind of dreaming, the stab that bids us "neither sit nor stand but go."
If we are quietly waiting before God and He has said - "Come ye yourselves apart," then that is meditation before God in order to get at the line He wants; but always beware of giving over to mere dreaming when once God has spoken. Leave Him to be the source of all your dreams and joys and delights, and go out and obey what He has said. If you are in love, you do not sit down and dream about the one you love all the time, you go and do something for him; and that is what Jesus Christ expects us to do.

too tired to respond....

2010-02-19T18:16:00.002-06:00

I don't know how I'm ever going to feel well enough to do what you want. I'm so weary, and I haven't even done anything. I'm scared that this is gonna be a relapse. I can only do so much Lord!

LENT:.......................................I don't really have much to say today, but I thought I'd post what I'm doing for lent this year: no shopping, no starbucks. Basically cutting back on spending money.

Jeremiah 31:25"For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes."
26At this I awoke and looked, and my sleep was pleasant to me.

my utmost for his highest......
THE INITIATIVE AGAINST DRUDGERY
"Arise, shine." Isaiah 60:1
We have to take the first step as though there were no God. It is no use to wait for God to help us, He will not; but immediately we arise we find He is there. Whenever God inspires, the initiative is a moral one. We must do the thing and not lie like a log. If we will arise and shine, drudgery becomes divinely transfigured.
Drudgery is one of the finest touchstones of character there is. Drudgery is work that is very far removed from anything to do with the ideal - the utterly mean grubby things; and when we come in contact with them we know instantly whether or not we are spiritually real. Read John 13. We see there the Incarnate God doing the most desperate piece of drudgery, washing fishermen's feet, and He says - "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet, ye also ought to wash one another's feet." It requires the inspiration of God to go through drudgery with the light of God upon it. Some people do a certain thing and the way in which they do it hallows that thing for ever afterwards. It may be the most commonplace thing, but after we have seen them do it, it becomes different. When the Lord does a thing through us, He always transfigures it. Our Lord took on Him our human flesh and transfigured it, and it has become for every saint the temple of the Holy Ghost.

double exposure

2010-02-12T15:28:00.006-06:00

what is a double exposure?

In film and photography, double exposure is a technique in which a piece of film is exposed twice, to two different images. The resulting photographic image shows the second image superimposed over the first.

...... so...... my life.......
there is a technique in my life in which my heart and mind and actions are exposed to different images. the resulting effect is that the latest image is superimposed over the first. how does this happen?

.......2 Corinthians 3
1Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? 2You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. 3You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
4Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. 5Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
The Glory of the New Covenant 7Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, 8will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold.

...............how it applies.
First, I want to say that application of scripture to the individual level I'm finding largely disturbing, because most of scripture is written to a collective group and to apply it to the individual is somewhat dangerous, in the majority of hermaneutics. HOWEVER.... the best application of scripture to the individual's life is that of REDEMPTION>>viz the Old Man vs. New Creation. To apply this to all of humanity is incredulous because it is up to humankind and their choice of whether or not to accept the "good news" and walk in obedience to it, calling on a Holy, Almighty God to take over Lordship of their lives. And when this happens, the glory of being made NEW in Christ superimposes over having been made in the image of God, but still having a sinful human nature. This is one image where we, in and of ourselves, are incomplete until the image of Christ and His resurrective power is gloriously written over the image of who we are on our own.

..........................and now for a good ole rant....
we are obsessed with images. we take more pictures of ourselves and other people than anything else! why? because we are visual creatures, who love creation and in our vanity sometimes end up worshipping the creation more than the creator. i'm guilty of this, i'm not above anything or anyone. i'm not saying that taking pictures of ourselves or our friends should stop, i think it's important to document meaningful moments and memories because it keeps connection alive and relationships exciting. but take a moment to pause and think if you will about which images we prefer... the ones that look the closest to real life, or the ones we think look the best, but might need to be tweaked to be "improved." while this is art to an extent, how much are we setting up an unrealistic image of who we're supposed to be?......... now apply this to everyday life......................

WHAT IS OUR IMAGE OF GOD?

How is a photograph made? Without going into the whole science of it, a strip of thin film is "exposed" to light, as a shutter opens. The image the shutter is pointed at is infused onto the film./span>
Here is an exerpt from a book that I am reading:
"[Life] is a tale of God calling his human children to form a great circle ... In that circle we all ought to be standing, linked together with lovingly joined hands, facing toward the Light in the centre, which is God...But instead of that, we have, each one, turned our backs upon God and the circle of our fellows, and faced the other way, so that we can see neither the Light at centre nor the faces on the circumference...That is what is wrong."

When I'm done reading this book I'll explain why I love it so very much, but for now I'll explain my thoughts on the topic at hand: God's image superimposed onto ours.
But what is the image of God and what does that look like in our lives? Holy, set apart, totally different than us, yet made able to relate to us through the person of Jesus Christ, God incarnate. We are called to be the image of Christ, new creations, and yet we find that we cannot do this solely on our own. Holiness is two fold, it is totally separate from us because it is GODlikeness, and yet it is ethical, because we are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling.

.................................in conclusion....
so.... what we allow ourselves to be exposed to, will ultimately be the double exposure we allow into our lives. double exposure will inevitably happen because we are human and are influenced by our priorities and relationships. your "inner circle" of friends will shape who you are. it just happens. which direction your facing will determine the other image infused onto the surface of your soul, and frankly, who wants another image of themselves? we don't really like ourselves, and perhaps that's the source of our vanity. we stare at ourselves and coiffe and mold ourselves over again because we don't like what we see. so improve the picture with the image of God written on your life. written on my life. i want people to not only see me, but Christ making me something new entirely. i'm gonna START today. i'm gonna let the world see Christ in me, and while i know that the image of who i am will still be present, i hope that it only shows the difference that Christ can make. Jesus, my Lord, my Saviour, my Redeemer, my Creator.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sogaa2007/3462606740/

you can join me if you want to...

2010-02-07T22:17:00.005-06:00

how do i feel?
i want to sit by the sea and write a letter home.
write a letter to no one in particular telling them my thoughts.
using colour, the smell of the salt water, the cry of the sea gulls.
i saw the sea once and i fell in love with it.
the tide swelling, the mist flowing in from around the islands.
and the sheer wonder of how good a sigh feels when a sea breeze plays with my hair.
if anything to float away from my roots, if only for a day.
i know that soon enough i will back by the sea.
eating the fruit of the sea.
everything turning green and blue. calm. tranquil.
and yet the sea can have quite another face.
and this face i think is how i feel about being landlocked.
waves crashing into waves, thundering upon the shore of my mind.
grey. stormy. constantly changing.
this is my ocean storm in the prairies.
i want to sail away to where water is all around me
to where i feel small and insignificant
compared to the mighty rush of the sea.
but for now the boat of my life is tucked away in the harbour
waiting for the voyage to come.
waiting for a favourable wind to carry me away.
i'm pretty sure i know when that will be,
i've grown accustomed to reading the signs of the times
the tell tale signs of the change in weather.
it's coming. i know it.
and so i wait to go see my sea.

living with myself.

2010-01-29T18:35:00.003-06:00

there are deep dark places in my soul
i used to frequent and it left me whole
but i looked away and tried to find
a difference place inside my mind
where i could be what i was not
and conform to the giant melting pot
and i looked like you and not like me
and it left me reeling and trying to be
someone who'd bend under the wind
succum to the pressure, and i sinned
not just against me, but you as well
but we couldn't talk, we couldn't tell
where things went wrong and where i fell
it was at the time, in the fray,
God tried to say
but i wouldn't hear, give the time of day
to a message that was bigger than me
that i left behind in silent reverie
because i wanted my own way
instead of listening to what He had to say
if i would have taken a moment to pause
i wouldn't be caught in my own claws
that seek to pull me down from all
the dreams and ambitions i got from that call
on that cold cold day December last
when You told me not to drive so fast
when You pointed in the way i should go
through the driving wind and billowing snow
You guided me home, I'm not sure how
and in front of You, there i would bow
but somewhere i thought i could have it all
my way, my wants, and started to fall
and i did some things that i regret
and fell off the path as the sun started to set
upon close to the time when i would leave
in my guilt and frustration my body heaves
and knows that time is ticking away
and the pressure from You just won't go away
and i just want the hours to tick away
until i don't have to feel this way
how long will it take until i feel
that i'm not just a lousy, repentant heal
but today i feel so ashamed and like
i want to run away and take a hike
from the places i used to see
i was not myself, how could i be?
when i'd frequent a place with those who knew me not
why am i so surprised that i got what i got
stuck with consequences i cannot shake
that linger beyond the silent quake
that plagues my head, my heart and mind,
see it weakens my body yet i try to find
a way and a path back to where i see
that the Lord's still there, still cares for me
and i look on his tender face
i feel a loving, warm embrace
and i don't need to run
and i don't need just fun
to make the memories abate
and keep my heart from feeling hate
towards myself but instead i know
that with His help i'll continue to grow
not downward in that spiral of woe
but back to the One who loves me so
even though i never really leave
but took my eyes away, instead i'll cleave
and return to the safety that i had
before living with myself felt so bad.

what if i say???

2010-01-26T22:15:00.003-06:00

what if i say i'm scared?
what if i say that i know this is what i'm supposed to be doing but it's harder than i imagined it was going to be?
what if i say that this plan is so much bigger than me?
what if i say that this plan seems incredibly wired to keep me on my knees?
what if i say that i'm thinkin i can only pull this off with minimal distraction?
what if i say that it's forcing me to evaluate all my priorities and that might include you, and how i treat you?

what if i say that i'm scared of failing you?
what if i say that i'm not so sure of myself but completely confident that you'll help?
what if i say i'm scared your plan will leave me lonely?
what if i say i'm scared of taking steps of my own and losing my way?
what if i say i'm scared of losing touch with your voice again?

....................if i say all this will you take it and address it? or are these questions and concerns meant to keep me humble?
..........if that's the case alright.
.....regardless of if it's the case or not, i'm gonna need you more than ever now. i changed back for you and your plan, and if i thought i didn't know what i was doing before, i certainly don't know what i'm doing now.

my dearest love....

2010-01-25T17:11:00.003-06:00

i found a letter to a lady. to the church. that includes me......

2 John 1
1The elder, To the chosen lady and her children, whom I love in the truth—and not I only, but also all who know the truth - 2because of the truth, which lives in us and will be with us forever:
3Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and from Jesus Christ, the Father's Son, will be with us in truth and love.
4It has given me great joy to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as the Father commanded us. 5And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. 6And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
7Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist. 8Watch out that you do not lose what you have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully. 9Anyone who runs ahead and does not continue in the teaching of Christ does not have God; whoever continues in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. 10If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take him into your house or welcome him. 11Anyone who welcomes him shares in his wicked work.
12I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete.
13The children of your chosen sister send their greetings.

.................................................... so here i sit. i've been snowed in and to be honest i'm scared to go anywhere in case that i'm trapped by the snow and i'm too weak to take care of getting stuck and shovelling myself out. those are my immediate thoughts right now. but the record that plays in the back of my head tells me that i've let go. i've given up in so many ways. i've tried to make things work, tried to do what i thought i ought to. i've tried to write my own story for so long. but i give up. i have a thorn in my flesh, being so weak that i can't do anything but basic functions and whatever God puts in front of me. and even then i'm now at the point where i'm constantly asking Him what do I do?? and not answering it myself. so much has changed. for the better. i want God to write my story. i've messed up in so many ways, i failed at a very HUGE point that He completely warned me of, and when I sit down at His word i'm scared to hear, I told you so - scared to hear, "i warned you and you walked in the wrong direction to prove a point, and you only got burnt, and frozen." .....but Jesus doesn't say that. He says what I need to hear. He says that i should live a life of love. not the pounding warning He could have given me, but redirects my gaze. Paul's message to the church, or individual, however you wish to apply the addressee debate over 2 john, is that there are many things that tell us how to follow out the commission for our lives, but we have to remain faithful to the original plan - something so easily distracted from. what he says is that it's pertinent to completely avoid this by not even letting it enter in the picture. whatever is in front of your face, makes its home in your life, whatever you welcome in will become your focus. .........so i must love: love the passion He gave me, the goal He instilled in my heart from the start, and run the race marked out for me with fervor and endurance.
i may lack endurance in every physical way, because it's shot all to bits by an invisible virus that decided to make me as weak as a kitten. but the endurance He will give me will provide lasting endurance of an eternal significance. i can more than live with that.
the focus and the plan, which God has now taught me, this is the plan to have because it's how HE wants to write my story, and has wanted to since the start:
step 1: go to my classes and learn as much as I can: this does not mean be perfect and get the highest marks, but take what i learn and apply it as best as possible. but i have to show up and pay attention.
step 2: love my friends and family with everything in me. not selfishly thinking of what i can get out of it. and love myself and my God enough to not let something stand in the way of that, and anything less than GREAT stands in the way.
step 3: the technical points: start tutoring online in march. start teaching in April. sign up with Christian organization to find a good school and living accomodations so that when i finish my course end of December i can then move to Japan in January and start teaching.
step 4: not allow any distractions to get in the way, not invite them into my home, my life, my love, my all, and especially my relationship with God.
........................................there are many other things that I am thinking about right now: details of: how do i live my life? do i aim for a balance or black and white? when am i happiest? who do i want to be and is that what God wants me to be?
..................i think i know what i'll have to do but it will take a lot of focus and determination, no going back, keeping my focus on love and life and what He wants. time to grow up.

i had a dream.

2010-01-03T15:15:00.002-06:00

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green. I had a dream That I could fly from the highest swing. I had a dream. Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream That I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream. Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing. I had a dream

my antonist.

2009-12-04T21:32:00.002-06:00

........instead of commenting a whole lot before Oswald, I'm gonna let you read through what he as to say and then i'm gonna post my comments.....
my utmost for His highest
THE LAW OF ANTAGONISM
"To him that overcometh. . . ." Revelation 2:7
Life without war is impossible either in nature or in grace. The basis of physical, mental, moral, and spiritual life is antagonism. This is the open fact of life.
Health is the balance between physical life and external nature, and it is maintained only by sufficient vitality on the inside against things on the outside. Everything outside my physical life is designed to put me to death. Things which keep me going when I am alive, disintegrate me when I am dead. If I have enough fighting power, I produce the balance of health. The same is true of the mental life. If I want to maintain a vigorous mental life, I have to fight, and in that way the mental balance called thought is produced.
Morally it is the same. Everything that does not partake of the nature of virtue is the enemy of virtue in me, and it depends on what moral calibre I have whether I overcome and produce virtue. Immediately I fight, I am moral in that particular. No man is virtuous because he cannot help it; virtue is acquired.
And spiritually it is the same. Jesus said, "In the world ye shall have tribulation," i.e., every thing that is not spiritual makes for my undoing, but - "Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." I have to learn to score off the things that come against me, and in that way produce the balance of holiness; then it becomes a delight to meet opposition.
Holiness is the balance between my disposition and the law of God as expressed in Jesus Christ.
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...there are many things in this life that war against us, and most of us by unanimous vote would admit that we are our own worst enemy. we lie, cheat, and destroy ourselves, when all too often we think we are actually bettering our lives in the here and now, only to find out that there are dire consequences to the immediate fixes we run to in order to escape our pain and discomfort. the classic passage of scripture from Romans 7 outlines this struggle in its entirety. how often do we hear what the rule is and then have a hard time obeying it? we obeyed the rule just fine in our ignorance but now that we know the right way versus the wrong way our nature wars within itself and tries to chart us off our course. it seems rather sadistic or ironic; that which would bring us holiness through obedience is actually harder to accomplish once you become aware of it. and so we war and struggle and become frustrated with this antagonistic being inside of us that desperately wants us to fail.
with what Oswald has stated there are many external things which present themselves and we battle against them, but the struggle starts inside. just because temptation walks by doesn't necessarily make it tempting. it is our nature - internally - which says it is something to be desired, and then we war. we struggle. and the fight begins. i've heard many people say how wondrous it would be to have the struggle end, to have that one glorious day when we've "arrived" and the battle is over and there's no more tempting. but praise God that scritpure says there's no temptation that has seized us except for what is common to man and there's no temptation that God will allow that we cannot rise up from underneath, avoid it completely. we are told to resist the devil and he will flee from us. but that requires fight, warring, and battle. and we can take delight in the fact that with Jesus all things are possible, we can do all things through His strength, and that the victory has already been won by Him, so we can share in that victory as well.

waiting takes forever.

2009-10-10T16:39:00.003-06:00

so it's been about a month since i posted anything on here, and i can't believe it's been this long. i mean seriously, time has a way of rushing past and not allowing you to get ahead. but i can't really get ahead anyways, cuz i have to keep plodding on through this year and waiting to see what things happen. i'm living in the moments, i'm taking advantage of opportunities that come my way, not oblivious to the opportunities because i'm so focused on the end goal.... life isn't passing me by. and yet everyday i am reminded of what i'm doing and why. after some time some things have come into focus.... direction i thought things were taking turned out to be more specifically for my life than how i'm gonna contribute to others.....
and now for Oswald.......

......................................................why must obedience seem like such a hurdle. i do the things i don't want to do and yet i don't do the things that i know that I should.......
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
..........i have hope..........
1 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. 3 The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.
..........................i can obey because i have the freedom to obey. i do not have to believe that i'm trapped. i do not have to believe that all hope is lost and that the things i struggle with are going to infinately keep me from God. God bridged the gap. I just have to walk in gratitude and obedience. feeling like i'm left in the darkness can end, cuz God shone His light first, and i just have to follow. the selfishness, the anger, the self-pity do not have to consume. I just have to focus on Christ and my heart will follow. what am I focusing on? am i suffering (suffer the little children unto me) myself to run to Him?????
WHEREBY SHALL I KNOW?
"I thank Thee, 0 Father . . . because Thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes." Matthew 11:25
In spiritual relationship we do not grow step by step; we are either there or we are not. God does not cleanse us more and more from sin, but when we are in the light, walking in the light, we are cleansed from all sin. It is a question of obedience, and instantly the relationship is perfected. Turn away for one second out of obedience, and darkness and death are at work at once.
All God's revelations are sealed until they are opened to us by obedience. You will never get them open by philosophy or thinking. Immediately you obey, a flash of light comes. Let God's truth work in you by soaking in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. Obey God in the thing He shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up. One reads tomes on the work of the Holy Spirit, when one five minutes of drastic obedience would make things as clear as a sunbeam. "I suppose I shall understand these things some day!" You can understand them now. It is not study that does it, but obedience. The tiniest fragment of obedience, and heaven opens and the profoundest truths of God are yours straight away. God will never reveal more truth about Himself until you have obeyed what you know already. Beware of becoming "wise and prudent."

deafening silence.

2009-09-12T13:19:00.002-06:00

................the hard thing is that i know exactly what i've done and why God has been silent. but do i want to surrender? do i want to trust? i do, but it's easier said than done. i don't want the silence to continue. so i will give in. i will stop. here today i repent of those ways - that selfishness and pride that stinks in God's nostrils. Oh Lord help me.
my utmost for His highest...
BY SPIRITUAL CONFUSION
"Ye know not what ye ask." Matthew 20:22
There are times in spiritual life when there is confusion, and it is no way out to say that there ought not to be confusion. It is not a question of right and wrong, but a question of God taking you by a way which in the meantime you do not understand, and it is only by going through the confusion that you will get at what God wants.
The Shrouding of His Friendship. Luke 11:5-8. Jesus gave the illustration of the man who looked as if he did not care for his friend, and He said that that is how the Heavenly Father will appear to you at times. You will think He is an unkind friend, but remember He is not; the time will come when everything will be explained. There is a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller communion. When God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in Him?
The Shadow on His Fatherhood. Luke 11:11-13. Jesus says there are times when your Father will appear as if He were an unnatural father, as if He were callous and indifferent, but remember He is not; I have told you - "Everyone that asketh receiveth." If there is a shadow on the face of the Father just now, hang onto it that He will ultimately give His clear revealing and justify Himself in all that He permitted.
The Strangeness of His Faithfulness. Luke 18:1-8. "When the Son of Man cometh, shall He find faith on the earth?" Will He find the faith which banks on Him in spite of the confusion? Stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true, though in the meantime you do not under stand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you ask.

who[se] am i ?

2009-09-04T11:45:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
HIS!
"Thine they were, and Thou gavest them Me." John 17:6
The missionary is one in whom the Holy Ghost has wrought this realization - "Ye are not your own." To say, "I am not my own" is to have reached a great point in spiritual nobility. The true nature of the life in the actual whirl is the deliberate giving up of myself to another in sovereign preference, and that other is Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit expounds the nature of Jesus to me in order to make me one with my Lord, not that I might go off as a showroom exhibit. Our Lord never sent any of the disciples out on the ground of what He had done for them. It was not until after the Resurrection, when the disciples had perceived by the power of the Holy Spirit Whom He was, that Jesus said "Go."
"If any man come to me and hate not . . . , he cannot be My disciple," not, he cannot be good and upright, but, he cannot be one over whom Jesus writes the word "Mine." Any one of the relationships Our Lord mentions may be a competitive relationship. I may prefer to belong to my mother, or to my wife, or to myself; then, says Jesus, you cannot be My disciple. This does not mean I will not be saved, but it does mean that I cannot be "His."
Our Lord makes a disciple His own possession, He becomes responsible for him. "Ye shall be witnesses unto Me." The spirit that comes in is not that of doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is - I am His, and He is carrying out His enterprises through me.
Be entirely His.

i am now convinced things need to change.

2009-08-30T18:18:00.000-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
AM I CONVINCED BY CHRIST?
"Notwithstanding in this rejoice not . . . , but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:19, 20
Jesus Christ says, in effect, Don't rejoice in successful service, but rejoice because you are rightly related to Me. The snare in Christian work is to rejoice in successful service, to rejoice in the fact that God has used you. You never can measure what God will do through you if you are rightly related to Jesus Christ. Keep your relationship right with Him, then whatever circumstances you are in, and whoever you meet day by day, He is pouring rivers of living water through you, and it is of His mercy that He does not let you know it. When once you are rightly related to God by salvation and sanctification, remember that wherever you are, you are put there by God; and by the reaction of your life on the circumstances around you, you will fulfil God's purpose, as long as you keep in the light as God is in the light.
The tendency to-day is to put the emphasis on service. Beware of the people who make usefulness their ground of appeal. If you make usefulness the test, then Jesus Christ was the greatest failure that ever lived. The lodestar of the saint is God Himself, not estimated usefulness. It is the work that God does through us that counts, not what we do for Him. All that Our Lord heeds in a man's life is the relationship of worth to His Father. Jesus is bringing many sons to glory.

lost sentiment.

2009-08-25T10:01:00.002-06:00

......how do i explain that my sentiment for the Lord is waning? i've been feeling this for a while. it's not that i don't love Him, it's not that i don't feel connected. actually, i love Him more now than i ever have before, and i'm committed and connected in a way that i've never experienced before. but in all truth, it doesn't look the same. it's not some big emotional experience anymore. in fact, it doesn't feel like emotion at all. right now it feels like discipline, deliberation and faithfulness. walking out my faith practically rather than emotionally. it's not just saying that all is well, it's actually living my life so that it will be. relying on Him for it all. for everything. relying on Him to be more than myself. cuz right now i'm pretty weak. my self-control is miniscule, my sense of responsibility is almost non-existant, and i realize that what i want to do is counterproductive. i'm having to rely on Him for all my strength, and it shows when i have to get anything done. that's how my faith has become practical. i'm moving in a new direction, and it's completely foreign, but completely wonderful.
my utmost for His highest...
THE FRUITFULNESS OF FRIENDSHIP
"I have called you friends." John 15:15
We never know the joy of self-sacrifice until we abandon in every particular. Self-surrender is the most difficult thing - I will if . . . ! Oh, well, I suppose I must devote my life to God. There is none of the joy of self-sacrifice in that.
As soon as we do abandon, the Holy Ghost gives us an intimation of the joy of Jesus. The final aim of self-sacrifice is laying down our lives for our Friend. When the Holy Ghost comes in, the great desire is to lay down the life for Jesus, and the thought of sacrifice never touches us because sacrifice is the love passion of the Holy Ghost.
Our Lord is our example in the life of self-sacrifice - "I delight to do Thy will, O my God." He went on with His sacrifice with exuberant joy. Have I ever yielded in absolute submission to Jesus Christ? If Jesus Christ is not the lodestar, there is no benefit in the sacrifice; but when the sacrifice is made with the eyes on Him, slowly and surely the moulding influence begins to tell.
Beware of letting natural affinities hinder your walk in love. One of the most cruel ways of killing natural love is by disdain built on natural affinities. The affinity of the saint is the Lord Jesus. Love for God is not sentimental, for the saint to love as God loves is the most practical thing.
"I have called you friends." It is a friendship based on the new life created in us which has no affinity with our old life, but only with the life of God. It is unutterably humble, unsulliedly pure, and absolutely devoted to God.

God never left the conversation.

2009-08-24T10:58:00.003-06:00

Effective Prayer Matthew 7:7-11
7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

...........now, before any of you get it into your silly little brains (don't worry, i have a silly one too sometimes) this devotion is not advocating a salvation based on works. it is not saying that you will only receive from God when you have been good enough. it is not saying that unless you are the perfect image of the perfect child you will be blessed from on high. that is a bunch of bull, and i'd be happy if you'd stop that thought right now. the difference is God does not give us the things He would as His children, unless we are His children and behaving as such. children are not always obediant, yet parents clothe, feed, and shelter their kids. it's part of the responsibility of having children.
............now, the debate of whether or not God HAS to do these things for us is not for this entry either, but it does raise some key points (which will be put rhetorically, because, frankly, that's more fun, and encourages discussion):
(1) When a child has walked away from their parents, their home, their safety, are they in the 'place' (locationally speaking) to accept anything being held out to them?

...........(1) we cannot accept something from God if we are long way off from who He is. Jesus is not some guy up in the cosmos, that we 'wander' away from literally, but our hearts can be far from Him. we might think that we're near, but if we're not spending time with Him, how can we really be close enough to see what He's holding out for us. our discernment will be blurred, and our vision distorted as we look through the mirage of what we hope to see, and not what's really there. yes, faith is being sure of what we hope for, but if our desires are not in line with what Christ would want, then what we hope to see could be fatally flawed by our interpretation of what our wants and needs are. we could have them mixed up. if i'm not standing next to someone i can't hold their hand. if i'm not that close, i can't reach out to grasp what's in their hands. we must APPROACH the Father to receive what He has for us, not shout from a distance. and we must approach like children, for Jesus said to let the CHILDREN come to Him, and even went so far as to say that unless you become like little children you cannot RECEIVE the kingdom of heaven. and children never knock on a door just once, they bang until someone hears them cuz it's more fun that way, and more effective. hmm.... there might be something to that... ;)

(2a) Could God or would God choose to withhold something from us?

..........(2a) Yes. God could and would withhold something from us. If we thought we knew how to deal with or fix something, but it's the total wrong way to go about doing it, I think He'd hold back from hurting us. it would only be cruel to injure us cuz we ask for it. but why does it seem like we ask God and wait and wait and pray and pray, and then get hurt in the end, and wonder, "why did He let that happen?? it wasn't a good thing! didn't He see that??" and this is my thoughts on that: we do it ourselves. when God doesn't give us a clear answer, or the answer we want, we take what we think is rightfully ours. and He lets us, cuz He's not about to take away our will or independance. He made us that way, but it harms us when we don't WILL to submit.

(2b) Or if we ask often enough, even if it's not good for us, would He give it to us to shut us up, like most parents would do?
..........(2b) NO! i've heard this argument over and over and countless times it makes me queasy. this is why: God has a lot more backbone than us here on earth, and parents that give in to whining and complaining need to bolster their strength and energy and outstubborn their kids. Jesus talked specifically about letting our yes mean yes, and our no mean no, and how we ought to stick to our word. the only place where this comes into question is the parable about the man that goes to His neighbour in the night asking for bread because he's out and he got unexpected company. after repeatedly hounding his neighbour the man gives in. but when you think about it, he wasn't making a ridiculous request, it was just inconvenient. with God, nothing's inconvenient, cuz God never goes to bed, and has to go out of His way to accommodate our complicated lives. that idea is laughable. God is firm, but gentle. both are simultaneousnly possible. so if you think that whining and complaining will improve your situation, rather than honestly petitioning and making your request known to the Father (who knows even before you ask it, but just wants to hear your voice), you can perhaps shift your attitude in approaching the King of Kings and Lord of Lords to one of respect instead of making demands. plus, you'll notice in this passage of scripture the children are asking for things they NEED. not frivolous things. is what you're asking for something that is going to help further the kingdom, or be used by God to bless other people? consider what you're asking for.

.............ALSO..........................the other day my devotions were about the constant state of prayer, and how prayer is a part of who you are and how you ABIDE in Christ, not a telephone line you pick up everyonce in a while and make a request. it's the outpouring of the heart and mind and soul and strength continuously throughout the day. like a constant GPS or personal tracking device. within the last 48 hours i've had conversations with people who ask me, "did you take time aside to pray about this??" to which i answer, "why do i need to be super spiritual about this? God never left the conversation so to try to bring Him into it is just plain silly." chew on that for a while. yes, i need to be more disciplined in regards to meeting with Christ in the secret quiet place, which is where i rest. but that secret quiet place could happen anywhere, as long as i check my attitude and intentionally and deliberately focus on Him.

my utmost for His highest...
THE SPIRITUAL INDEX
"Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" Matthew 7:9
The illustration of prayer that Our Lord uses here is that of a good child asking for a good thing. We talk about prayer as if God heard us irrespective of the fact of our relationship to Him (cf. Matthew 5:45). Never say it is not God's will to give you what you ask, don't sit down and faint, but find out the reason, turn up the index. Are you rightly related to your wife, to your husband, to your children, to your fellow-students - are you a "good child" there? "0 Lord, I have been irritable and cross, but I do want spiritual blessing." You cannot have it, you will have to do without until you come into the attitude of a good child.
We mistake defiance for devotion; arguing with God for abandonment. We will not look at the index. Have I been asking God to give me money for something I want when there is something I have not paid for? Have I been asking God for liberty while I am withholding it from someone who belongs to me? I have not forgiven someone his trespasses; I have not been kind to him; I have not been living as God's child among my relatives and friends. (v.12.)
I am a child of God only by regeneration, and as a child of God I am good only as I walk in the light. Prayer with most of us is turned into pious platitude, it is a matter of emotion, mystical communion with God. Spiritually we are all good at producing fogs. If we turn up the index, we will see very clearly what is wrong - that friendship, that debt, that temper of mind. It is no use praying unless we are living as children of God. Then, Jesus says - "Everyone that asketh receiveth."

back @ the beginning but further than b4

2009-08-17T15:22:00.002-06:00

........................perhaps out of anything that i'm wrestling through right now i'm wondering what on earth i'm doing, when i heard the voice of Christ so clearly. and it's causing me heart ache. deeper, more heart wrenching than anything i've experienced on a spiritual level.
the question of the future is bearing down on me, and i have no answers.
i can't even really talk about it, it's just that deep. because i know i have to trust, but it's more than that.
it's also knowing that i'm partly responsible and must take action at one point, but what point is that?
so i wait. in faith. i can't believe i'm back to this.
my utmost for His Highest....
ARE YOU DISCOURAGED IN DEVOTION?
"Yet lackest thou one thing; sell all that thou hast . . and come, follow Me." Luke 18:22
"And when he heard this . . ." Have you ever heard the Master say a hard word? If you have not, I question whether you have heard Him say anything. Jesus Christ says a great deal that we listen to, but do not hear; when we do hear, His words are amazingly hard.
Jesus did not seem in the least solicitous that this man should do what He told him, He made no attempt to keep him with Him. He simply said - Sell all you have, and come, follow Me. Our Lord never pleaded, He never cajoled, He never entrapped; He simply spoke the sternest words mortal ears ever listened to, and then left it alone.
Have I ever heard Jesus say a hard word? Has He said something personally to me to which I have deliberately listened? Not something I can expound or say this and that about, but something I have heard Him say to me? This man did understand what Jesus said, he heard it and he sized up what it meant, and it broke his heart. He did not go away defiant; he went away sorrowful, thoroughly discouraged. He had come to Jesus full of the fire of earnest desire, and the word of Jesus simply froze him; instead of producing an enthusiastic devotion, it produced a heart-breaking discouragement. And Jesus did not go after him, He let him go. Our Lord knows perfectly that when once His word is heard, it will bear fruit sooner or later. The terrible thing is that some of us prevent it bearing fruit in actual life. I wonder what we will say when we do make up our minds to be devoted to Him on that particular point? One thing is certain, He will never cast anything up at us.

arriving @ 3 spots @ once.

2009-08-11T13:08:00.003-06:00

my utmost for His Highest....
THIS EXPERIENCE MUST COME
"And he saw him no more." 2 Kings 2:12
It is not wrong to depend upon Elijah as long as God gives him to you, but remember the time will come when he will have to go; when he stands no more to you as your guide and leader, because God does not intend he should. You say - "I cannot go on without Elijah." God says you must.
Alone at your Jordan. v.14. Jordan is the type of separation where there is no fellowship with anyone else, and where no one can take the responsibility for you. You have to put to the test now what you learned when you were with your Elijah. You have been to Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are up against it alone. It is no use saying you cannot go; this experience has come, and you must go. If you want to know whether God is the God you have faith to believe Him to be, then go through your Jordan alone.
.....................................................i find myself at this place lately. i don't know how it's possible to be in three places at once, but that's exactly what's going on. Firstly, I'm at Jordan. There are unfortunately a lot of good ideas regarding what the Christian life should be like. How we should be making friends with people who don't know Christ, so that we might be Christ to them, and that they might get to know God more. We're called to be in the world but not of the world. But now that I'm actually doing that, which isn't always easy cuz i just don't fit in, i have these Christians who encouraged this kind of faith in me, telling me that I'm associating with undesirable people. And i find myself standing alone in some ways. it's somewhat frustrating. i'm encouraged to live a certain kind of faith, but then when the rubber hits the road, they disapprove. but i know that i'm doing the right thing. i know God is who He says He is, and i know what He considers to be important, but now i gotta walk through and have the faith that i should live out what i believe, even if i go it alone.
Alone at your Jericho. v.15. Jericho is the place where you have seen your Elijah do great things. When you come to your Jericho you have a strong disinclination to take the initiative and trust in God, you want someone else to take it for you. If you remain true to what you learned with Elijah, you will get the sign that God is with you.
.............................................i have been to jericho many times: have seen people in ministry do amazing things. I have heard stories about signs and wonders and miracles and now i'm in the place where such things are possible. but i want to depend on other people to do stuff for me. but i can't. i have to trust that God desires to use me to do stuff in His name, and have the faith to give Him the glory. i was in bible college and learned a great many wonderful things, and now's the time to put it into practice. no more waiting for someone else to start it. if i want to see things done i'm gonna have to initiate some stuff. it's gonna be scary and perhaps outside of some peoples' comfort zones, but it's time. it's just time.
Alone at your Bethel. v.23. At your Bethel you will find yourself at your wits' end and at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you get to your wits' end and feel inclined to succumb to panic, don't; stand true to God and He will bring His truth out in a way that will make your life a sacrament. Put into practice what you learned with your Elijah, use his cloak and pray. Determine to trust in God and do not look for Elijah any more.
...........................................am i at Bethel sometimes?? yes. absolutely. when i just don't know what to do anymore and when i'm sure of what i've seen and heard and felt and experienced, but i panic because all my plans are being twisted and turned at the moment of Christ bringing more truth my way. and i'm completely confused and at my wits end. between all the voices that come my way - all telling me different things. yet, all this wisdom that pushes me to my wits end, makes me turn to God even stronger and rely on His wisdom. and then i see portions of truth in all the other voices, so collectively it adds up to be exactly what He was trying to tell me in the first place.

why stagnation happens.

2009-07-27T09:23:00.001-06:00

my utmost for his highest.....
THE WAY TO KNOW
"If any man will do His will, he shall know of the doctrine . . ." John 7:17
The golden rule for understanding spiritually is not intellect, but obedience. If a man wants scientific knowledge, intellectual curiosity is his guide; but if he wants insight into what Jesus Christ teaches, he can only get it by obedience. If things are dark to me, then I may be sure there is something I will not do. Intellectual darkness comes through ignorance; spiritual darkness comes because of something I do not intend to obey.
No man ever receives a word from God without instantly being put to the test over it. We disobey and then wonder why we don't go on spiritually. 'If when you come to the altar,' said Jesus, 'there you remember your brother hath ought against you . . . don't say another word to Me, but first go and put that thing right.' The teaching of Jesus hits us where we live. We cannot stand as humbugs before Him for one second. He educates us down to the scruple. The Spirit of God unearths the spirit of self-vindication; He makes us sensitive to things we never thought of before.
When Jesus brings a thing home by His word, don't shirk it. If you do, you will become a religious humbug. Watch the things you shrug your shoulders over, and you will know why you do not go on spiritually. First go - at the risk of being thought fanatical you must obey what God tells you.

oswald quotes....

2009-06-16T15:46:00.003-06:00

some quotes that have really been speaking to me a lot lately.......
...Jesus does not ask me to die for Him, but to lay down my life for Him
...We are not made for brilliant moments, but we have to walk in the light of them in ordinary ways.
...Salvation is easy because it cost God so much, but the manifestation of it in my life is difficult.
...God saves a man and endues him with the Holy Spirit, and then says in effect - "Now work it out, be loyal to Me, whilst the nature of things round about you would make you disloyal."

my thots:
...living out the message of my life happens through routine and everyday life faaaar more often than in the grandiose moments.
...i would much rather do the big plan, the grand adventure than live out my faith simply. which is a struggle, because how will my faith look real to the people around me, unless i'm around for them to notice? and how will it make a difference in the world, if it doesn't ground me and make a basic difference in my life.
...God's done the amazing work in my life, now i gotta work through the rest of it.

and....
... the verse that talks about, "work out your faith in fear and trembling..." is definitely more applicable than i used to think.
... sometimes simplicity is the most difficult thing to do.... or perhaps that's just me being stubborn.

changing the game.

2009-06-13T13:54:00.003-06:00

k. big question. let's say that you ask God a question, just for the sake of asking. you ask, "What are you passionate about, and how can I be involved??" and then He shows you, very specifically. but as time progresses, you ask God, "take me to the next step..." and He tells you that you haven't been listening properly. cuz what He said is not what you thought He said. and the more He tries to lay love, and free choice, and graciousness on you, the more you realize that it's harder to make decisions and fall into whatever happens than to just hear God say, "Do this," and then go out and do it. cuz now it's up to you. and it's frustrating and hurts your brain, and you cry and get on your knees begging for understanding, and all He says is, "Stop talking, and get to know Me. that's what you asked for..." oh gosh. what a pickle. now what do i do?

wanting more.

2009-06-11T16:35:00.002-06:00

so lately i've been amazed by the abundant beauty of the earth, and all the beauty that we as His creation have made. buildings, art, music, culture, architecture. it all adds up. and i see it and i see a glimpse of the beauty of the Lord. and it makes me want God that much more. but the strange thing that I've been learning in my devotions lately (which you've noticed that I've stopped publishing on this website, because they started getting more intimate and personal, and the whole world doesn't need to know what's going on in my life all the time) is that the closer we get to the beauty of God, and see Him for who He is, and what He does, the more we realize just how pathetic we are and how much we really need Him. it's quite the vicious cycle. but it's beautiful and raw, and slightly romantic (in the sense of deep emotion, the classic definition). but it makes me feel pretty needy and dependant on Him. and i don't know how comfortable i am with that. I like relying on my own strength, at least for a while before I crash and realize that i really can't do anything without Him. it's twisted, but it's awesome. and it leaves me wanting more.

foot in mouth disease.

2009-06-07T21:43:00.002-06:00

foot in mouth disease = A Christian ailment where statements such as, "I'll never do this..." or "There's no way I would ever be interested in that..." are divinely turned around circumstantially and you find yourself looking back and laughing at the irony of life.

somn.

2009-06-05T21:04:00.002-06:00

you know, there's a lot to be said for hearing things through other peoples' perspective, and then there's a lot to be said for someone being able to say, "I told you so," but not saying it. even though you know they could.
i'm cutting back on my entries here on this bloggie thingy. because i gotta reconnect with some dormant adventuresque interests, and the internet takes up too much time as it is. what do i want to do more of? oh, you know, the same old same old stuff that i do to have fun, but i wanna do somn meaningful. somn big.
somn.

let me tarry here a while.

2009-05-27T15:29:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
THE LIFE THAT LIVES
"Tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high." Luke 24:49
The disciples had to tarry until the day of Pentecost not for their own preparation only; they had to wait until the Lord was glorified historically. As soon as He was glorified, what happened? "Therefore being by the right hand of God exalted, and having received of the Father the promise of the Holy Ghost, He hath shed forth this, which ye now see and hear." The parenthesis in John 7:39 ("For the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified") does not apply to us; the Holy Ghost has been given, the Lord is glorified; the waiting depends not on God's providence, but on our fitness.
The Holy Spirit's influence and power were at work before Pentecost, but He was not here. Immediately Our Lord was glorified in Ascension, the Holy Spirit came into this world, and He has been here ever since. We have to receive the revelation that He is here. The reception of the Holy Spirit is the maintained attitude of a believer. When we receive the Holy Spirit, we receive quickening life from the ascended Lord.
It is not the baptism of the Holy Ghost which changes men, but the power of the ascended Christ coming into men's lives by the Holy Ghost that changes them. We too often divorce what the New Testament never divorces. The baptism of the Holy Ghost is not an experience apart from Jesus Christ: it is the evidence of the ascended Christ.
The baptism of the Holy Ghost does not make you think of Time or Eternity, it is one amazing glorious NOW. "This is life eternal that they might know Thee." Begin to know Him now, and finish never.

every breath u take, every move u make...

2009-05-26T09:51:00.003-06:00

........have u ever felt run down? now, i don't mean just tired, i mean like ur body's broken and if there were jumper cables u could hook up to ur "motivationator" u would, cuz there's just not much getting u up in the morning? i think all of us have had those moments where life just seems a bit too scary. so we "send up" the little popcorn prayer of, "Jesus, give me the strength to get through this day." now, here's when what i have to say might startle you. HE ALREADY DID - before you asked for it.... how do i know? ur alive right? u have air in ur lungs, and blood pumping through ur veins. ur alive. so live like ur alive. there are alot of people that walk around like zombies. half alive because they're dead inside. u might think i'm harsh or insensitive because perhaps those people have gone through hell and back and just can't get on their feet. i'm not talking about social injustices or what we as the servants of Christ can do about it. i'm talking about having life on the inside when there's death all around - the unexplainable knowledge that there's more going on than what meets the eye, and having a peace and a reassurance that Jesus is taking care of it when u can't. it's living prayer, not just DOING it. if u think that DOING prayer is good enough, ur walking around half energized. u can LIVE out prayer, because if u believe in Jesus, the Holy Spirit dwells inside of u and u can be in constant communion with God. can u imagine what life would be like if Christians everywhere were living out prayer, recognizing the opportunities to witness through praying for the people around them? i imagine our churches would be much more vibrant, more community oriented, and reaching out to the world around them in a much more tangible way. Christians would stop praying, "Lord, help me through this because even though i'm ur child i'm still struggling with my inner purity and thought life, and old sinful nature." i think people would start praying, "Lord, help this person because it's outside of all of our control. Thank-you that You make all things new, and that you died on the cross for our sin. Let Your will be done." and then....and here's the exciting part.... people would keep on praying. in every breath. in every thought. in every idle word spoken. because it all means something. it's not dead life. it's not abandoned ruins. it's not giving up, or giving in. it's LIVING beyond. it would cause a revolution, because then people would have to live uncompromised lives in order to be in the mindset where their life is a life of prayer. it would turn christianity upside down.

my utmost for His highest....
THINK AS JESUS TAUGHT
"Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:17
We think rightly or wrongly about prayer according to the conception we have in our minds of prayer. If we think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts, we think rightly. The blood flows ceaselessly, and breathing continues ceaselessly; we are not conscious of it, but it is always going on. We are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect joint with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is. Prayer is not an exercise, it is the life. Beware of anything that stops ejaculatory prayer. "Pray without ceasing," keep the childlike habit of ejaculatory prayer in your heart to God all the time.
Jesus never mentioned unanswered prayer, He had the boundless certainty that prayer is always answered. Have we by the Spirit the unspeakable certainty that Jesus had about prayer, or do we think of the times when God does not seem to have answered prayer? "Every one that asketh receiveth." We say - "But . . . , but . . ." God answers prayer in the best way, not sometimes, but every time, although the immediate manifestation of the answer in the domain in which we want it may not always follow. Do we expect God to answer prayer?
The danger with us is that we want to water down the things that Jesus says and make them mean something in accordance with common sense; if it were only common sense, it was not worth while for Him to say it. The things Jesus says about prayer are supernatural revelations.

putting fear into legs & run towards fears.

2009-05-25T16:13:00.004-06:00

.......................lately i've been battling with my fears. yes. that's an admission. i have fears. i know i don't live like i do, but it's a fact. when i say i've been battling with them, i mean there's been some things that have reared their ugly heads and demanded attention. attention i have felt i didn't have to show because it was my right to decline. for a very strange season in my life i've wanted to give up. to give in. to throw in the towel and say, "i can't take this anymore. i'm done." but that's not life. yesterday i was talking with my best friend, which is always an amazing thing cuz she pointed to out to me (or got me talking enough to realize) that i've never been one to sit down and give up. EVER. i've always ran towards what would keep me paralyzed, and wrestled it down. kinda the mind-set 'never give up and die trying.' but lately it seems that death would be to give into self-interest - to say, "i'm tired of making this so hard all the time, i'm tired of giving things over, from now on i'm gonna do what's logical and comfortable." that's what i want to do. but that's giving up. that's giving in. that's defeating the purpose of what i'm trying to do, and going back on who i've become.
my utmost for His highest...
THE TEST OF SELF-INTEREST
"If thou wilt take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if thou depart to the right hand, then I will go to the left." Genesis 13:9
As soon as you begin to live the life of faith in God, fascinating and luxurious prospects will open up before you, and these things are yours by right; but if you are living the life of faith you will exercise your right to waive your rights, and let God choose for you. God sometimes allows you to get into a place of testing where your own welfare would be the right and proper thing to consider if you were not living a life of faith; but if you are, you will joyfully waive your right and leave God to choose for you. This is the discipline by means of which the natural is transformed into the spiritual by obedience to the voice of God.
Whenever right is made the guidance in the life, it will blunt the spiritual insight. The great enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but the good which is not good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best. It would seem the wisest thing in the world for Abraham to choose, it was his right, and the people around would consider him a fool for not choosing. Many of us do not go on spiritually because we prefer to choose what is right instead of relying on God to choose for us. We have to learn to walk according to the standard which has its eye on God. "Walk before Me."

now this explains it!

2009-05-22T16:13:00.002-06:00

..............................................................God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him. but then when we're one with Him, He can't help but stay. just noticed that little piece of wonderfulness. it's kinda uncanny that this is my devotional for today, because i just finished praying this yesterday. i was reading through my Bible for fun, yes it is FUN, and happened across John 17. and i wanted it badly enough, i prayed Jesus' words as if they were my own. if that makes sense. see, God is leading in my life. He is vibrant. He is real. i can't believe in coincidence at all, especially when something like this happens.
my utmost for His highest....
NOW THIS EXPLAINS IT
"That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us." John 17:21
If you are going through a solitary way, read John 17, it will explain exactly why you are where you are - Jesus has prayed that you may be one with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or have you some other end for your life? Since you became a disciple you cannot be as independent as you used to be.
The purpose of God is not to answer our prayers, but by our prayers we come to discern the mind of God, and this is revealed in John 17. There is one prayer God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus - "that they may be one, even as We are One." Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that?
God is not concerned about our plans; He does not say - Do you want to go through this bereavement; this upset? He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, nobler men and women; or they are making us more captious and fault-finding, more insistent upon our own way. The things that happen either make us fiends, or they make us saints; it depends entirely upon the relationship we are in to God. If we say - "Thy will be done," we get the consolation of John 17, the consolation of knowing that our Father is working according to His own wisdom. When we understand what God is after we will not get mean and cynical. Jesus has prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far off it, and yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him, because Jesus has prayed that we may be.

the blinded wicked.

2009-05-20T22:34:00.003-06:00

..................so today i had an interesting encounter. i stood face to face with a witch, and had to exchange words. they weren't deep or even meaningful. she wanted a cup o java. but she couldn't look at me, and stumbled all over her words. as i made her drink, i prayed, "Lord, let Your light in me so shine that it reaches out to her, and overwhelms her. let it be real and powerful. May You get the glory." when i turned around, she had her back to me, and refused to look at me. her friend had to pay for her drink, and take her drink. my prayer was answered. she was overwhelmed alright. there were two strange things: one, i've never discussed my faith with her, ever. the other strange thing was the war inside of me. i was angry when i found out who she was, and what she does. i was angry not at HER personally, but towards the evil in her life. but my heart broke for HER. because i saw she's trapped and lost and convinced to believe in lies. on the outside i was calm and cool and happy and friendly. but on the inside i was seriously concerned for her. i will undoubtedly run into her again. i just hope that the light will shine just as bright, and attract her to Him.
.......interesting moment #2: i was talking with a new friend today who doesn't really know me, but is getting there. he pretty much explained to me who i was, and for the majority of it, was pretty accurate. i'm pretty "straight-laced". i've got my act together. and he was shocked that i knew some nitty gritty stuff about life. i stated that i've not always had an easy life, and that my background is a little rough around the edges. he believed me, but not completely i don't think. this amazes me. i guess it shows me that my life has changed a whole lot, and that i've changed a WHOLE lot. there's been a whole lot of forward movement in my life. i'm no longer in that dark place, barely struggling to keep my head above water, striving and fighting for my sanity, and for peace. it was encouraging. maybe one day i'll know how to share my past so that it doesn't sound like a Hollywood movie script. but maybe it should sound that way. maybe it should be slightly unbelievable, because in reality, i didn't believe it while it was happening. maybe i'll get over myself, and just tell it like it is, and like it was. maybe.
my utmost for His highest...
THE REALM OF THE REAL
"In your patience possess ye your souls." Luke 21:19
When a man is born again, there is not the same robustness in his thinking or reasoning for a time as formerly. We have to make an expression of the new life, to form the mind of Christ. "Acquire your soul with patience." Many of us prefer to stay at the threshold of the Christian life instead of going on to construct a soul in accordance with the new life God has put within. We fail because we are ignorant of the way we are made, we put things down to the devil instead of our own undisciplined natures. Think what we can be when we are roused!
There are certain things we must not pray about - moods, for instance. Moods never go by praying, moods go by kicking. A mood nearly always has its seat in the physical condition, not in the moral. It is a continual effort not to listen to the moods which arise from a physical condition, never submit to them for a second. We have to take ourselves by the scruff of the neck and shake ourselves, and we will find that we can do what we said we could not. The curse with most of us is that we won't. The Christian life is one of incarnate spiritual pluck.
...............................................................on a lighter note, perhaps you're wondering what the heck this entry has to do with where i'm at. well, this morning i had a REALLY miserable attitude. like, REALLY. i was overtired and worn out, and let my negativity get the best of me. mom pointed it out but i didn't quite get what she was saying. then i read my Bible, and then Oswald, and heck, 'two-by-four' upside the head indeed. soooo.... i shook myself up, and made things right, and moved on. and then my day was awesome. mood is such a choice. that's what i learnt today. yay!

2009-05-20T01:30:00.001-06:00

logic has been silenced.

2009-05-20T00:29:00.003-06:00

.....................hey so i guess it's been a while. yah i know. you could look at me and think, "oh my, that's unspiritual of you sheila. like, you said that you were going to be keeping track of what's been going on, but you've bummed out." and if you sounded like that you'd sound like the Accuser that's been trying to get me down lately. but the truth of the matter is that I have been keeping up with my devotions, and praying and God's got me in a really great place right now. see, i've started a new job, which is amazing. because i'm actually working with, and meeting people that the typical church crowd might not want to associate with. which is lamesauce. cuz really, i just wanna BE with them. i don't wanna hit anyone over the head with a Bible, or even be like, "this is Jesus. Believe and be saved." nope. that's not what i want to do. i think that's lame. that's been done, and most people have somewhat of an idea of who Jesus was. but they're sick of regular church folk, and to be honest, I kinda am too. I don't fit with the regular church crowd. i fit with artsy-fartsy, come and go people, who float on the wind and chase butterflies, and draw little leprechauns in their spare time. and i love it. and i like to just BE. and this is the place to do it. and it's amazing. cuz it's love. pure and simple. and i don't have to try or work at it. it's just happening. and not just in me, but in the people around me. and i'm hooked.
...........i've had some troubles lately. surgery is coming up and i'm not really looking forward to it. and what really sucks is that it's my fault, and i'm having to pay for stupid decisions and a lifestyle that i had in highschool. that's anguish, but Jesus is there, and i feel Him. things with some family members are on the mend, but it's still stressful and i'm still a little scared and apprehensive. that's tribulation, but Jesus is there. and i feel Him. and all of this, the medical and the emotional, makes me feel famished. actually empty inside. in my guts. literally and figuratively. the character of God in me - patience, kindness, and goodness - are being challenged and stretched beyond what i feel i can bare. and yet, they are. and i've never felt more loved. more complete in love. because of Jesus. it's almost impossible to describe, because description opens up the conversation to debate, and how can you debate with experience??? you can't. so... i just know.
my utmost for His highest....
"OUT OF THE WRECK I RISE"
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?" Romans 8:35
God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says - "I will be with him in trouble." It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man's life, not one of them can separate him from his relationship to God. We are "more than conquerors in all these things." Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we are where we are, exactly in the condition we are in. I am sorry for the Christian who has not something in his circumstances he wishes was not there.
"Shall tribulation . . . ?" Tribulation is never a noble thing; but let tribulation be what it may - exhausting, galling, fatiguing, it is not able to separate us from the love of God. Never let cares or tribulations separate you from the fact that God loves you.
"Shall anguish . . . ?" - can God's love hold when everything says that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?
"Shall famine . . . ?" - can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors, even while we are being starved?
Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are all against God's character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it - the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time.

having fun all the time isn't so much fun anymore.

2009-05-09T13:09:00.003-06:00

.....................so yesterday i was coming back from hangin out in the city late with friends, and i realized that always having to pack as much fun in a day as humanly possible has lost its flavour. i have stayed out late probably 4 times this week. there has never been a friday or saturday night in any given week where i have not gone out and done something. i have lots of friends, and can always find something to do, or someplace cool to go, or something neat to do. that's part of the bent in me that craves adventure and making memories. but i think i'm becoming desensitized. i have to pack in more fun each time..... with more people each time...... and stay out later each time. and driving home late last night i realized that it really doesn't mean a whole lot.
...................................with having all this fun, i've been telling myself that i'm taking awesome time out for me, rewarding myself by treating myself. but is this really what i want? i realized i miss the moments where i could sit and be quiet. just me with myself, maybe a paintbrush, the piano, a good book. perhaps all of this has come about because i worked so hard for so long with this last year of school that i kinda needed to wild it up a bit there afterwards. but i think i'm largely done that for now. i want meat underneath all the gravy. i've had a vision, but i'm not living like it. something has to change, and it's gonna start right now. cuz all of the incentive on my own, all my initiative to live it up, isn't bringing life. how do i know this? cuz when i ask myself if i'm living out of the attitude that springs from the vision of what my life should be (i.e. being disciplined and dedicated to working towards the goal set before me), i find myself not wanting to answer. so this little note is an answer to myself, and a challenge to my friends..... do you have vision? do you know why you do what you do? do you know if that's really what you want? is what you want something from your own initiative, or are you following His pattern? are you disciplining yourself, binding yourself to His freedom? is your life making any kind of a difference for anyone other than yourself? these are questions I'm asking myself, so please don't think i'm just being preachy. but these questions aren't easy, so i wouldn't blame u if u wanted to overlook them.
my utmost for His highest......
GRASP WITHOUT REACH
"Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint." Proverbs 29:18 (R.V.)
There is a difference between an ideal and a vision. An ideal has no moral inspiration; a vision has. The people who give themselves over to ideals rarely do anything. A man's conception of Deity may be used to justify his deliberate neglect of his duty. Jonah argued that because God was a God of justice and of mercy, therefore everything would be all right. I may have a right conception of God, and that may be the very reason why I do not do my duty. But wherever there is vision, there is also a life of rectitude because the vision imparts moral incentive.
Ideals may lull to ruin. Take stock of yourself spiritually and see whether you have ideals only or if you have vision.

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,Or what's a heaven for?"

"Where there is no vision. . . ." When once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless, we cast off certain restraints, we cast off praying, we cast off the vision of God in little things, and begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating what we have out of our own hand, doing things on our own initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on the downward path, we have lost the vision. Is our attitude to-day an attitude that springs from our vision of God? Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done? Is there a freshness and vigour in our spiritual out look?

i need to get over myself.

2009-05-01T16:38:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest....
INSIGHT NOT EMOTION
"I have to lead my life in faith, without seeing Him." 2 Corinthians 5:7 (MOFFATT)
For a time we are conscious of God's attentions, then, when God begins to use us in His enterprises, we take on a pathetic look and talk of the trials and the difficulties, and all the time God is trying to make us do our duty as obscure people. None of us would be obscure spiritually if we could help it. Can we do our duty when God has shut up heaven? Some of us always want to be illuminated saints with golden babes and the flush of inspiration, and to have the saints of God dealing with us all the time. A gilt-edged saint is no good, he is abnormal, unfit for daily life, and altogether unlike God. We are here as men and women, not as half-fledged angels, to do the work of the world, and to do it with an infinitely greater power to stand the turmoil because we have been born from above.
If we try to re-introduce the rare moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are making a fetish of the moments when God did come and speak, and insisting that He must do it again; whereas what God wants us to do is to "walk by faith." How many of us have laid ourselves by, as it were, and said - "I cannot do any more until God appears to me." He never will, and without any inspiration, without any sudden touch of God, we will have to get up. Then comes the surprise - "Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!" Never live for the rare moments, they are surprises. God will give us touches of inspiration when He sees we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never make our moments of inspiration our standard; our standard is our duty.

today i didn't have a whole lot of love.

2009-04-30T15:52:00.002-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
THE SPONTANEITY OF LOVE
"Love suffereth long, and is kind . . ." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is not premeditated, it is spontaneous, i.e., it bursts up in extraordinary ways. There is nothing of mathematical certainty in Paul's category of love. We cannot say - "Now I am going to think no evil; I am going to believe all things." The characteristic of love is spontaneity. We do not set the statements of Jesus in front of us as a standard; but when His Spirit is having His way with us, we live according to His standard with out knowing it, and on looking back we are amazed at the disinterestedness of a particular emotion, which is the evidence that the spontaneity of real love was there. In everything to do with the life of God in us, its nature is only discerned when it is past.
The springs of love are in God, not in us. It is absurd to look for the love of God in our hearts naturally, it is only there when it has been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit.
If we try to prove to God how much we love Him, it is a sure sign that we do not love Him. The evidence of our love for Him is the absolute spontaneity of our love, it comes naturally. In looking back we cannot tell why we did certain things, we did them according to the spontaneous nature of His love in us. The life of God manifests itself in this spontaneous way because the springs of love are in the Holy Ghost. (Romans 5:5.)

discipline is abandonment???

2009-04-28T13:21:00.003-06:00

....................................how often do i brag about my blessings? i just did it today. loud and clear. and felt great doing it. i felt close to God because i felt blessed. that's why i can praise God so easily and feel so in touch with Him when things are going well. but what if i never got any blessings? would it still be worth it? this is a big question, and i need to really answer this. because abandonment doesn't say, "if i still receive i will let go..." it says, "even if i never receive i will let go...." and i know what i have to let go of, and it's scary, and not very pleasant, because i thought that God gave this to me. but i'll hand it over. there. handed it over. i wrestled with myself a little bit there cuz i wanted to say that it would take me a while to be okay handing it over, but that's not right either, cuz if i wrestle with the timing then i'm putting stipulations and requirements of how it has to feel in order to abandon, which means that i'm not abandoning at all, i'm still completely in control. so there. it's given up. no longer mine. and i'm okay with that. so there.
.....................and lately God's been speaking to me lately about praying more, about reading my Bible more, about singing to Him more. about waking up early in the morning and setting more time aside, not just closing off my day journalling and praying. letting every waking moment be His. so i'm going to. tomorrow morning i'm gonna wake up earlier and spend it with Him. and now i'm gonna go play piano for Him. discipline isn't easy, but for some strange reason it feels a whole lot like abandonment. try and explain that one!
my utmost for His highest....
WHAT YOU WILL GET
"Thy life will I give thee for a prey in all places whither thou goest." Jeremiah 45:5
This is the unshakable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him - "I will give thee thy life." What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. "Thy life for a prey" means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life, nothing can harm it.

So many of us are caught up in the shows of things, not in the way of property and possessions, but of blessings. All these have to go; but there is something grander that never can go - the life that is "hid with Christ in God."

Are you prepared to let God take you into union with Himself, and pay no more attention to what you call the great things? Are you prepared to abandon entirely and let go? The test of abandonment is in refusing to say - "Well, what about this?" Beware of suppositions. Immediately you allow - What about this? - it means you have not abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon, you think no more about what God is going to do. Abandon means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you abandon entirely to God, He says at once, "Thy life will I give thee for a prey." The reason people are tired of life is because God has not given them anything, they have not got their life as a prey. The way to get out of that state is to abandon to God. When you do get through to abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and delighted creature on earth; God has got you absolutely and has given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience or a refusal to be simple enough.

java jive.

2009-04-27T22:39:00.003-06:00

my utmost for His highest........
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
"Seekest thou great things for thyself?" Jeremiah 45:5
Are you seeking great things for yourself? Not seeking to be a great one, but seeking great things from God for yourself. God wants you in a closer relationship to Himself than receiving His gifts, He wants you to get to know Him. A great thing is accidental, it comes and goes. God never gives us anything accidental. There is nothing easier than getting into a right relationship with God except when it is not God Whom you want but only what He gives.
If you have only come the length of asking God for things, you have never come to the first strand of abandonment, you have become a Christian from a standpoint of your own. "I did ask God for the Holy Spirit, but He did not give me the rest and the peace I expected." Instantly God puts His finger on the reason - you are not seeking the Lord at all, you are seeking something for yourself. Jesus says - "Ask, and it shall be given you." Ask God for what you want, and you cannot ask if you are not asking for a right thing. When you draw near to God, you cease from asking for things. "Your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask Him." Then why ask? That you may get to know Him.
Are you seeking great things for yourself? "O Lord, baptize me with the Holy Ghost." If God does not, it is because you are not abandoned enough to Him, there is something you will not do. Are you prepared to ask yourself what it is you want from God and why you want it? God always ignores the present perfection for the ultimate perfection. He is not concerned about making you blessed and happy just now; He is working out His ultimate perfection all the time - "that they may be one even as We are."
..............................................asking God for the job that I want is perhaps not as deep nor as spiritual as you would think. but it's a step. it's an opportunity to not get burnt out. to take life as it comes and be flexible and work in an awesome environment. and make awesome coffee. and be artsy and fun and such all at the same time. and i wanted it really bad. and i mean REALLY bad. and to anyone who believes in Oprah's "The Secret..." to you I say......."you're whack. it's all Jesus baby!!!" you see I know that i need a laid back kind of job. and i mean laid back compared to what i've been doing for the last 8 months. kind of like a sabatical. and i knew that He kinda wanted me to learn to relax and be myself a bit more. and i'm looking for Him in the midst of all of this. i'm getting to know Him in such incredible ways, personal ways and immeasurable ways. and everything else is falling into place. quite literally. and it's wonderful. and i'm super excited. i'm experiencing blessing like nothing else, and i'm so truly thankful. some people have a hard time being close to God in the good moments, and have a hard time feeling the need to draw near to God when things are going well. not me....it's just another time to REJOICE!!! "So rejoice, be glad, your Father and your Friend, is the Lord, your God, whose rule will never end, I will rejoice....FOR MY GOD REIGNS!!!!" ha ha ha. just breakin into song there for a little bit. ha ha ha. life is great.

now-here or no-where.

2009-04-21T14:09:00.003-06:00

.............i will comment later on this tonight, but in summary i had the final meeting for my internship today. and the biggest thing that i took from that meeting was that my internship has been pure ministry, and it's been the best learning experience of my life because it was intense, involved, immediate, and impassioned. it was in the moment, every moment, and i learned about God and the world, through being in the world, and being with people.
and now it's on to PHASE 2 of my life. and that's a daunting thought.
my utmost for His highest...
NOW DON'T HURT THE LORD!
"Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known Me, Philip?" John 14:9
Our Lord must be repeatedly astounded at us - astounded at how un-simple we are. It is opinions of our own which make us stupid, when we are simple we are never stupid, we discern all the time. Philip expected the revelation of a tremendous mystery, but not in the One Whom he knew. The mystery of God is not in what is going to be, it is now; we look for it presently, in some cataclysmic event. We have no reluctance in obeying Jesus, but it is probable that we are hurting Him by the questions we ask. "Lord, show us the Father." His answer comes straight back - "There He is, always here or nowhere." We look for God to manifest Himself to His children: God only manifests Himself in His children. Other people see the manifestation, the child of God does not. We want to be conscious of God; we cannot be conscious of our consciousness and remain sane. If we are asking God to give us experiences, or if conscious experience is in the road, we hurt the Lord. The very questions we ask hurt Jesus because they are not the questions of a child.
"Let not your heart be troubled" - then am I hurting Jesus by allowing my heart to be troubled? If I believe the character of Jesus, am I living up to my belief? Am I allowing anything to perturb my heart, any morbid questions to come in? I have to get to the implicit relationship that takes everything as it comes from Him. God never guides presently, but always now. Realize that the Lord is here now, and the emancipation is immediate.

getting off my duff.

2009-04-20T11:07:00.003-06:00

........................so i'm gonna get up and do something. i'm gonna learn Japanese. I really don't think I can do it, but God will give me the strength and intellect. i don't think i'm a very disciplined person, and it's been a really long time since i've practiced piano, so this week when my friend max challenged me to learn this piece of music with him, i was like, "okay. what the heck..." it's been a while since i played anything like this, but it's possible. and it's possible that i'll learn japanese. but the big question is: do i go to Japan this summer for a week. and the bigger question is..."what if i see what i'm supposed to do and it shows me that my perception of the call on my life has been misguided?" i don't think i've misinterpreted things wrongly, and i don't think i've struck out on my own, but who knows, right? in 4 months i could look back and kick myself. but the really scary thing is that i've got gifts that i'm squelching, that i'm not using because there isn't the avenue to. or atleast i don't think there is. perhaps i'm just not seeing it because i'm not looking. so here goes:
-Father, I ask that today you would send something across my path that I can pray for and that You can make a difference in. Help me to notice. Help me be faithful.
>>>FOLLOW UP: whoa. i have to talk to that person? about all that? i can't do that. definitely can't do that. never been able to do that, what makes me think i can start now? oh right, God will give me the strength that i need to get it done. i'm gonna bawl my face off. this is gonna take every ounce of my relationship with Jesus to get me through this.

my utmost for His highest....
CAN A SAINT SLANDER GOD?
"For all the promises of God in Him are yea, and in Him Amen." 2 Corinthians 1:20
Jesus told the parable of the talents recorded in Matthew 25 as a warning that it is possible for us to misjudge our capacity. This parable has not to do with natural gifts, but with the Pentecostal gift of the Holy Ghost. We must not measure our spiritual capacity by education or by intellect; our capacity in spiritual things is measured by the promises of God. If we get less than God wants us to have, before long we will slander Him as the servant slandered his master: "You expect more than You give me power to do; You demand too much of me, I cannot stand true to You where I am placed." When it is a question of God's Almighty Spirit, never say "I can't." Never let the limitation of natural ability come in. If we have received the Holy Spirit, God expects the work of the Holy Spirit to be manifested in us.
The servant justified himself in everything he did and condemned his lord on every point - "Your demand is out of all proportion to what you give." Have we been slandering God by daring to worry when He has said: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you"? Worrying means exactly what this servant implied - "I know You mean to leave me in the lurch." The person who is lazy naturally is always captious - "I haven't had a decent chance," and the one who is lazy spiritually is captious with God. Lazy people always strike out on an independent line.
Never forget that our capacity in spiritual matters is measured by the promises of God. Is God able to fulfil His promises? Our answer depends on whether we have received the Holy Spirit.

am i already ready?

2009-04-18T14:46:00.002-06:00

.................okay. what the heck? today i feel like shouting at the heavens! i'm not ready! You want me to go sooner? i'm not gonna have taken those steps that You want me to take! Do You know what You're asking me to do? You're asking me to lay it all behind, all my preparation. my time in the wilderness to prepare for what YOU want me to do. You call us to lay it all aside and follow You. but You're not physically here. and i have to get my TESOL. i know that! i know it fully. it's not even that i'm clinging to security or safety net. well maybe i am. because what You've called me to do is dangerous and i want to know that i'll be taken care of. when i was struggling with the thought of leaving it all behind and going and following You, i thought you meant everything that i possess, everything i own. now You just raised the bar and i don't know what to think. so i'll take it one day at a time. i'm gonna go get back to my homework, and later on today i'm gonna go for a run, and get out into the country and let you give me a good talking to. or rather i'll let you know more of what i think of all of this! God this is insanity....
my utmost for His highest...
READINESS
"God called unto him and he said, Here am I" Exodus 3:4
When God speaks, many of us are like men in a fog, we give no answer. Moses' reply revealed that he was somewhere. Readiness means a right relationship to God and a knowledge of where we are at present. We are so busy telling God where we would like to go. The man or woman who is ready for God and His work is the one who carries off the prize when the summons comes. We wait with the idea of some great opportunity, something sensational, and when it comes we are quick to cry - "Here am I." Whenever Jesus Christ is in the ascendant, we are there, but we are not ready for an obscure duty.
Readiness for God means that we are ready to do the tiniest little thing or the great big thing, it makes no difference. We have no choice in what we want to do, whatever God's programme may be we are there, ready. When any duty presents itself we hear God's voice as Our Lord heard His Father's voice, and we are ready for it with all the alertness of our love for Him. Jesus Christ expects to do with us as His Father did with Him. He can put us where He likes, in pleasant duties or in mean duties, because the union is that of the Father and Himself. "That they may be one, even as We are one."
Be ready for the sudden surprise visits of God. A ready person never needs to get ready. Think of the time we waste trying to get ready when God has called! The burning bush is a symbol of everything that surrounds the ready soul, it is ablaze with the presence of God.

pick myself up and keep going.

2009-04-16T20:11:00.002-06:00

.................so this is what i gotta do. pick myself up, shake myself off, and keep on going. being faithful. i've been up on the mountain top for so long, that now i find myself descending, and i don't know what to do with myself. cuz i'm just keeping on keeping on. and i'm getting bored. and i want to take the bull by the horns, or as i showed myself i tried to grab the chickens by the legs and i got hurt. and now i gotta keep going. with the knowledge of what i saw in the light of the Son. just keep on going. i gotta come down from the cloud eventually, i guess. i had the light in the moment. i just gotta remember what it was like when i heard His voice.
my utmost for His highest...
CAN YOU COME DOWN?
"While ye have light, believe in the light." John 12:36
We all have moments when we feel better than our best, and we say - "I feel fit for anything; if only I could be like this always!" We are not meant to be. Those moments are moments of insight which we have to live up to when we do not feel like it. Many of us are no good for this workaday world when there is no high hour. We must bring our commonplace life up to the standard revealed in the high hour.
Never allow a feeling which was stirred in you in the high hour to evaporate. Don't put your mental feet on the mantelpiece and say - "What a marvellous state of mind to be in!" Act immediately, do something, if only because you would rather not do it. If in a prayer meeting God has shown you something to do, don't say - "I'll do it"; do it! Take yourself by the scruff of the neck and shake off your incarnate laziness. Laziness is always seen in cravings for the high hour; we talk about working up to a time on the mount. We have to learn to live in the grey day according to what we saw on the mount.
Don't cave in because you have been baffled once, get at it again. Burn your bridges behind you, and stand committed to God by your own act. Never revise your decisions, but see that you make your decisions in the light of the high hour.

the wrath of God = natural consequences

2009-04-15T15:23:00.004-06:00

..........................well, i pushed my agenda. and got burnt. i thought i could do it all, work myself to the bone, and go big. rush the clock. turns out i can't. turns out i got burnt. literally and figuratively. i haven't wanted to give up control. haven't wanted to give up my schedule. so there. i give it up. the lessons He wants to teach me, I'll let them take a while instead of rushing it. because when i rush my agenda i stop turning to God for advice, cuz i already think i know the answer. well no more. this hurts waaaay too bad. i learnt my lesson. oh boy, did i ever!
my utmost for His highest....
THE RELAPSE OF CONCENTRATION
"But the high places were not taken away out of Israel; nevertheless the heart of Asa was perfect all his days." 2 Chronicles 15:17
Asa was incomplete in his external obedience, he was right in the main but not entirely right. Beware of the thing of which you say - "Oh, that does not matter much." The fact that it does not matter much to you may mean that it matters a very great deal to God. Nothing is a light matter with a child of God. How much longer are some of us going to keep God trying to teach us one thing? He never loses patience. You say - "I know I am right with God"; but still the "high places" remain, there is something over which you have not obeyed. Are you protesting that your heart is right with God, and yet is there something in your life about which He has caused you to doubt? Whenever there is doubt, quit immediately, no matter what it is. Nothing is a mere detail.
Are there some things in connection with your bodily life, your intellectual life, upon which you are not concentrating at all? You are all right in the main but you are slipshod; there is a relapse on the line of concentration. You no more need a holiday from spiritual concentration than your heart needs a holiday from beating. You cannot have a moral holiday and remain moral, nor can you have a spiritual holiday and remain spiritual. God wants you to be entirely His, and this means that you have to watch to keep yourself fit. It takes a tremendous amount of time. Some of us expect to "clear the numberless ascensions" in about two minutes.

here chicky chicky chicky chicky

2009-04-14T11:51:00.002-06:00

........................i just got back from my first time chicken catching. two days, in a row. and i'm tired. but it's a good tired. i feel strong, even though my body feels broken. invincible in other ways i guess. seriously though, day one it was hymns that kept me going in the third barn we emptied, and it was people working alongside me that made it possible to work at all on the second day. it takes people of all kinds to keep that operation running. and God's teaching me a lesson in all of this. it's a doozie, but it's a real gooder!!!
my utmost for His highest...
INSPIRED INVINCIBILITY
"Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me." Matthew 11:29
"Whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth." How petty our complaining is! Our Lord begins to bring us into the place where we can have communion with Him, and we groan and say - "O Lord, let me be like other people!" Jesus is asking us to take one end of the yoke - "My yoke is easy, get alongside Me and we will pull together." Are you identified with the Lord Jesus like that? If so, you will thank God for the pressure of His hand.
"To them that have no might He increaseth strength." God comes and takes us out of our sentimentality, and our complaining turns into a pæan of praise. The only way to know the strength of God is to take the yoke of Jesus upon us and learn of Him.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength." Where do the saints get their joy from? If we did not know some saints, we would say - "Oh, he, or she, has nothing to bear." Lift the veil. The fact that the peace and the light and the joy of God are there is proof that the burden is there too. The burden God places squeezes the grapes and out comes the wine; most of us see the wine only. No power on earth or in hell can conquer the Spirit of God in a human spirit, it is an inner unconquerableness.
If you have the whine in you, kick it out ruthlessly. It is a positive crime to be weak in God's strength.

DAY 39: knowing of Jesus vs. KNOWING Jesus

2009-04-09T10:09:00.003-06:00

.......................this morning in my quiet time with God, walking on my way to work (which by the way is a good 5 blocks so I get lots of time to spend time with Him), i recalled a conversation i had with one of my brothers in Christ yesterday: when you know Jesus, and i mean KNOW, you are very sure of when He's talking to you. there's probably no big booming voice, but when He speaks and challenges and comforts you KNOW, and it changes you. i was thinking this morning how when i have encountered the living Christ, i have never walked away unchanged. and people have noticed. people can't help but notice. and i can't help but talk about it. i have had a great many experiences in my life, some triumphant, others incredibly painful. some wonderful, others horrific. but it is wonderful to know that Jesus has always been there, has always kept me going. has always spoke in the midst of the storm, and has always rejoiced with me when things are going really well. like Oswald says, experience comes and goes. i can't explain to someone how to see Jesus, i can only say what i've seen. and the transfiguration was never like what Peter and James and John saw, the transfiguration has been in me. that's the miracle. the tough part is that the people who knew me from the past aren't in my life anymore, so how can they tell the difference? i'll just have to testify to it.
my utmost for His highest...
HAVE I SEEN HIM?
"After that He appeared in another form unto two of them." Mark 16:12
Being saved and seeing Jesus are not the same thing. Many are partakers of God's grace who have never seen Jesus. When once you have seen Jesus, you can never be the same, other things do not appeal as they used to do.
Always distinguish between what you see Jesus to be, and what He has done for you. If you only know what He has done for you, you have not a big enough God; but if you have had a vision of Jesus as He is, experiences can come and go, you will endure "as seeing Him Who is invisible." The man blind from his birth did not know Who Jesus was until He appeared and revealed Himself to him. Jesus appears to those for whom He has done something; but we cannot dictate when He will come. Suddenly at any turn He may come. "Now I see Him!"
Jesus must appear to your friend as well as to you, no one can see Jesus with your eyes. Severance takes place where one and not the other has seen Jesus. You cannot bring your friend unless God brings him. Have you seen Jesus? Then you will want others to see Him too. "And they went and told it unto the residue, neither believed they them." You must tell, although they do not believe.

UNSUSTAINABILITY PROVEN BY ALBERTA

2009-04-08T11:41:00.004-06:00

Hey, my buddy Leighton Tebay (check his blog listed below with the others) caught this in the news. This is serious stuff and here's my take on it...

Alberta to post the biggest deficit in its history
DAWN WALTON and KATHERINE O'NEILL
From Wednesday's Globe and Mail
April 7, 2009 at 11:08 PM EDT
EDMONTON — Alberta expects to post a $4.7-billion deficit this year — the largest in provincial history — as the former darling of the Canadian economy sinks into the red over four consecutive years.
The resource-rich province has been brought to its knees by collapsing energy prices, a slumping stock market and declining corporate investment.
But despite all the problems, the province introduced a 2009-2010 budget yesterday that has adopted a status quo fiscal plan that signals a major departure from other Canadian jurisdictions. Governments across the country have either slashed corporate taxes or injected money into infrastructure programs to save jobs and kick-start the troubled economy.
"We're going to dip into our emergency savings and make sure that we keep the momentum of this economy going," Premier Ed Stelmach told the legislature in Edmonton shortly before the budget was made public.

................................"momentum of this economy going...." yah right! what momentum are they talking about here? the kind of momentum that suddenly announces an unthinkable deficit??!! seems as though the momentum they have kept up in the last four years has been unsustainable. after just posting an entry on the impractical pace we financially keep in North America and how it has led to a downfall in the global economy, what makes this guy think that they're on a good path, and should continue in it?? it's unthinkable. and you certainly can't blame their deficit on the overall state of economics in North America. not when Saskatchewan is doing as well as we are. we were the only province to have a balanced budget last year, with a surplus! so obviously it can be done - and done with Accountable Government. how stupid can alberta be? the other provinces are doing things that work, and they decide to break from the mold? silly albertans. i am so thankful to be from saskatchewan right now!!! the oil greed, booming cities (that you'll notice are starting to rot from the inside out if you've ever walked around downtown calgary at night), and consumer driven economy have failed. we should make a mental note of that and learn from their mistakes! nothing can keep up that pace for long, when ravaging the environment and the push for success and money railroading those less fortunate. eventually the castle caves in on itself.

DAY ??: i made lent longer than it needed to be?? :P

2009-04-08T10:41:00.002-06:00

........................................last night i did not sleep well, and yet i did?? i went to bed early. early for me, which is late for some and waaay too early for others. it's all relative really. but still, i went to bed early after reading my Bible. I read Hosea 4 and Ezekiel 5. God kinda blew my mind. but that's a whole other story!!! anyways, so i went to bed, and i woke up about 4 times in the night. craving milk. which is WEIRD cuz i'm lactose intolerant. don't know what that meant. and i kept thinking, "i'm totally gonna have stomache cramps from this...but i gotta have it!" but i didn't. slept amazingly well. dreamt intensely all night long! and woke up rested. didn't even need coffee today. but i have a very nervous feeling, or is it excited?? i don't know. we'll see. maybe i'll have something to report on later on...?? or maybe it's just been 2 months since i had milk and my tongue really wanted some, so it woke me up to get some. wow. i'm weird sometimes... ha ha ha ha.
......................so i've given a lot of things up in these last few weeks. some very private selfish desires, a bad attitude that wars with righteousness, certain pleasures of my former life, and it's been hard. but it's been easy too?? because i'm not doing it alone. But Christ is doing it with me. the Holy Spirit is leading and guiding and directing me to do the right thing. i'm not alone. and in my cravings and sinful longings, i remember that that was from when i was dead. when i was only living for myself. but now Christ lives in me, and the Holy Spirit has brought me life. and i am free to walk in that knowledge. i have confidence that on days when it gets hard, all i have to do is turn to the one who freed me from the law of sin and death. i wouldn't know that those actions were wrong, i wouldn't know that my attitude needed to be checked if it hadn't been for the law pointing out that i was doing wrong. but if all i had was the law, without the Holy Spirit, i would stand condemned. but i have the Spirit. so i have the power to make the right choice. i will still be tempted. that is the test. but i have VICTORY IN JESUS! oh what an amazing thought.
my utmost for His highest....
HIS RESURRECTION DESTINY
"Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into His glory?" Luke 24:26
Our Lord's Cross is the gateway into His life: His Resurrection means that He has power now to convey His life to me. When I am born again from above, I receive from the Risen Lord His very life.
Our Lord's Resurrection destiny is to bring "many sons unto glory." The fulfilling of His destiny gives Him the right to make us sons and daughters of God. We are never in the relationship to God that the Son of God is in; but we are brought by the Son into the relation of sonship. When Our Lord rose from the dead, He rose to an absolutely new life, to a life He did not live before He was incarnate. He rose to a life that had never been before; and His resurrection means for us that we are raised to His risen life, not to our old life. One day we shall have a body like unto His glorious body, but we can know now the efficacy of His resurrection and walk in newness of life. "I would know Him in the power of His resurrection."
"As Thou hast given Him power over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as Thou hast given Him." "Holy Spirit" is the experimental name for Eternal Life working in human beings here and now. The Holy Spirit is the Deity in proceeding power Who applies the Atonement to our experience. Thank God it is gloriously and majestically true that the Holy Ghost can work in us the very nature of Jesus if we will obey Him.

DAY 38: this world in a new light.

2009-04-07T09:41:00.005-06:00

..........................what if? what if Jesus were speakin g literally? what if when He said to sell all you have and come and follow me He was deadly serious, and we're just not wanting to hear the truth of His words because it would shake up our world too much...so we'll just follow to a degree..... different gospels record this differently... here is a brief study in Cross Reference followed by my thoughts....

Matthew 19:21 - "Jesus said to him, 'If you wish to be complete, go and sell all your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.'" This is difficult to interpret for two main reasons: (1) The young man that Jesus addresses here was steadfast in following the law. He did all the right things, observed all the rules because he was passionate about righteousness as defined by the law. But Jesus points out that there's more than following the law, more than observing rules. There's the principle of counting the cost, of recognizing the temporal vs. the eternal. He was doing the specifics of the law, without understanding the purpose of the law: loving God and fellow man. He loved God, which was obvious by how He followed Him in the law, but the young man was not loving others because his possessions possessed him, not him owning his possessions. And he was greatly grieved by it because he was serving two masters and when it came down to the nitty-gritty he couldn't do it. The second reason this is hard to interpret is (2) the conjunction "and." We tend to think that we have to sell it all and give the money to the poor, when in reality we are supposed to sell it all, and THEN give to the poor. What are we supposed to give? That's up for interpretation, it's really speculation. It doesn't say, "give IT to the poor." It just says give to the poor. There are many things we can give. But the heart of this passage is to sell what we have (swear our allegiance to this world or His kingdom), and then give (invest) in the kingdom.

Matthew 6:24 - "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth." Now, like most things in our Christian walk there must be a balance. We are supposed to be good stewards with what we have been entrusted with. I don't believe that the parable of the talents is only referring to the figurative investment of the abilities and skills that we have, but that we must be investing the material that God has blessed us with. God is not only the Lord of the supernatural, but the natural as well. He made the earth and everything in it. He is the provider of all good things. Does this not include the monetary? Of course it does! But it takes recognition that it's all His in the first place. We have been made treasurers of His treasury, and nothing more. We can serve God by recognizing this. We won't be serving money, if we think that by taking ownership of it, it's no different than working for the bank and thinking we can pocket some of it and take it home with us. It still belongs in the bank!

Luke 11:37-41 - "When Jesus had finished speaking, a Pharisee invited him to eat with him; so he went in and reclined at the table. But the Pharisee, noticing that Jesus did not first wash before the meal, was surprised. Then the Lord said to him, "Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But give what is inside the dish to the poor, and everything will be clean for you. Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone. " This is one of those passages that is so easy to misunderstand. I read it and I wonder if I'm blind to something. This must have been one of those messages where the disciples shook their heads and were like, "what the heck?! Jesus doesn't make sense again." But I think I see something here, so just put up with my ramblings until I get to the point, unless in some miraculous way you can follow what I'm saying. Ha ha ha. K.... There are rules about how we're supposed to be pure. Things we are supposed to do, and things we aren't supposed to do. As Christians we are pretty good at knowing all the "thou shalt not's" but perhaps we're missing out on a fundamental. We even go out and serve and help those in need, but it's frequently within the context of "going out" and then coming back to our comfortable castle on a hill. Totally removed from the world, while our hearts are filth and we are nothing but whitewashed tombs. Now, give what is inside the dish to the poor. Our insides... what's our insides? Sacrifice. Going beyond ourselves. Giving depth. Meeting needs. Being intentional. That takes strength from inside that perhaps we don't have all on our own. And that's tough. We tithe, and obey that rule, but what about giving to the poor in spirit, mourning with those who mourn. It's more than giving away all we possess. It's giving of our hearts, our minds, our everything. For some people giving of the inside isn't that hard, it's harder to give of their pocket-books, and in that case they are like the rich young ruler. But then there are the wealthy and self-important who can't think of giving of their hearts and investing themselves for the cause, because they'd rather involved their all consuming pocket-books. If we really love justice and long to serve God it will look more like our whole lives are being given to the cause, the temporal and the eternal. Investing in this world, in the people around us, which ultimately leads to the eternal. Because in that way, the temporal is but a shadow of the eternal. Which leads us to Luke 12....

Luke 12:33 - "Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys." There is a fine line between charity and carelessness. We need no excess. We don't need what we do not need. Yes, that sounds trite and easy to say, but it is another thing to do. We don't need things for the purpose of having nice things. That's the minimalist in me coming out. But in this world where debt is a harsh reality, where lines of credit bear down upon us, having a "money belt" can seem a little impossible. But a money belt back then was the equivelence of a wallet in our day and age. People typically only had one money belt, and only replaced it when it would wear out, and their money would literally fall out. In our world, we are so materialistic that we'll buy a new wallet before our last one wears out. That's a sure sign of a disgusting materialist mentality. But think of it this way: When walking through a mall, imagine that everything you see will probably be in a landfill in about 10 years maximum. That blows my mind. The principle is investing in things that make a difference: justice, mercy, grace, giving of ourselves, our resources for an influence which will not be ineffective. Because when we invest those things up to God, He blesses them and they increase like the loaves and fishes.

Luke 16:11 - "Therefore if you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous wealth, who will entrust the true riches to you?" Hmm... how many wealthy people do you know that only live with shallow self-serving relationships? They can't seem to get deeper with people no matter how hard they try. This is, perhaps, because they aren't investing the temporal, so they get no return in the eternal (not that we give to this world in order to gain in the other, what a sucky motivation!) But in some way or another they are connected. Examine yourself - if you feel as though you're missing out perhaps it's because you're not pouring out!

my utmost for His highest...
WHY ARE WE NOT TOLD PLAINLY?
"He charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead." Mark 9:9
Say nothing until the Son of man is risen in you - until the life of the risen Christ so dominates you that you understand what the historic Christ taught. When you get to the right state on the inside, the word which Jesus has spoken is so plain that you are amazed you did not see it before. You could not understand it before, you were not in the place in disposition where it could be borne.
Our Lord does not hide these things; they are unbearable until we get into a fit condition of spiritual life. "I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now." There must be communion with His risen life before a particular word can be borne by us. Do we know anything about the impartation of the risen life of Jesus? The evidence that we do is that His word is becoming interpretable to us. God cannot reveal anything to us if we have not His Spirit. An obstinate outlook will effectually hinder God from revealing anything to us. If we have made up our minds about a doctrine, the light of God will come no more to us on that line, we cannot get it. This obtuse stage will end immediately [when] His resurrection life has its way with us.
"Tell no man . . " - so many do tell what they saw on the mount of transfiguration. They have had the vision and they testify to it, but the life does not tally with it, the Son of man is not yet risen in them. I wonder when He is going to be formed in you and in me?

DAY 37: counting the cost.

2009-04-06T14:04:00.003-06:00

..................so i've come to the end of myself. formally. i'm laying something down. i'm giving something up. something pretty amazing and fun, and incredibly tasty. WINE. i'm done. it tastes good, i love the feeling, but in all actuality i don't like who i become after a glass. i struggle enough with flirting with the bad girl in my nature without any alcohol in my system. and i've come to realize that i just get weaker when i have it. so no more. don't get me wrong. i don't think the wine in and of itself is wrong, and i don't think drinking in moderation is wrong. but i know myself and i know who i become. and i know how when i've had a glass i want to break more rules and do stupid shit. and i don't want to flirt with the bad girl anymore. and i don't want toying with the good girl/bad girl image to be any kind of example for anyone to follow. so it's over. it's done. no more. and i know that in the next few weeks it will be REALLY tempting to do it, and have some. but i'm not going to. cuz there are more important things in life than trying to always have fun and a good time. sometimes influence and character are more imporant. and right now is a big some-TIME.
my utmost for His highest...
THE COLLISION OF GOD AND SIN
"Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree." 1 Peter 2:24
The Cross of Jesus is the revelation of God's judgment on sin. Never tolerate the idea of martyrdom about the Cross of Jesus Christ. The Cross was a superb triumph in which the foundations of hell were shaken. There is nothing more certain in Time or Eternity than what Jesus Christ did on the Cross: He switched the whole of the human race back into a right relationship with God. He made Redemption the basis of human life, that is, He made a way for every son of man to get into communion with God.
The Cross did not happen to Jesus: He came on purpose for it. He is "the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world." The whole meaning of the Incarnation is the Cross. Beware of separating God manifest in the flesh from the Son becoming sin. The Incarnation was for the purpose of Redemption. God became incarnate for the purpose of putting away sin; not for the purpose of Self-realization. The Cross is the centre of Time and of Eternity, the answer to the enigmas of both.
The Cross is not the cross of a man but the Cross of God, and the Cross of God can never be realized in human experience. The Cross is the exhibition of the nature of God, the gateway whereby any individual of the human race can enter into union with God.. When we get to the Cross, we do not go through it; we abide in the life to which the Cross is the gateway
The centre of salvation is the Cross of Jesus, and the reason it is so easy to obtain salvation is because it cost God so much. The Cross is the point where God and sinful man merge with a crash and the way to life is opened - but the crash is on the heart of God.

THE SEX TRADE IN JAPAN

2009-04-03T11:50:00.001-06:00

Human Trafficking in Japan - courtesy of Japan's Fight against Modern-Day Slavery (Part I); Scott Hansen - Second Secretary, Political Section - U.S. Embassy Tokyo
http://tokyo.usembassy.gov/e/p/tp-20080123-03.html

....Japan is a destination and transit country for men, women, and children trafficked for commercial sexual exploitation. Victims come from China, Korea, Southeast Asia, Eastern Europe, and to a lesser extent Latin America. There are also increasing reports of internal trafficking of Japanese girls for sexual exploitation.

Brokers in the countries of origin recruit women and sell them to intermediaries or employers, who in turn subject them to debt bondage and coercion. Most women trafficked into Japan's sex trade have their travel documents taken away and their movements strictly controlled by their employers. Victims are threatened with reprisals to themselves or their families if they try to escape. Employers often isolate the women, subject them to constant surveillance, and use violence to punish them for disobedience. In some cases brokers use drugs to subjugate victims.
Women trafficked to Japan are usually employed as prostitutes under coercive conditions in businesses licensed to provide commercial sex services.

Sex entertainment businesses in Japan include "store form" businesses, such as strip clubs, sex shops, hostess bars, and private video rooms, as well as "non-store form" businesses, such as escort services and mail order video services, which arrange for sexual services to be conducted elsewhere. The vast majority of women who have been trafficked into Japan for the purpose of sexual exploitation have been employed as hostesses in "snack" bars and are required to provide sexual services off premises. Although "snack" bars remain ubiquitous, many of the traditional brothels have closed. In response to increased police enforcement of the Law on Control and Improvement of Amusement Businesses, many sex business operators have shifted from store-front businesses to "delivery" escort services. This has made it much harder to measure the extent to which employers in Japan's massive sex industry are exploiting victims of trafficking.

Debt bondage is the most common method of controlling victims in Japan. Before arrival in the country, trafficking victims rarely understand the size of the debts they will owe, the amount of time it will take them to repay the debts, or the conditions of employment to which they will be subjected upon arrival. Women typically face debts upon commencement of their contracts of between $26,000 and $43,000 (3 million to 5 million yen). In addition, they have to pay their employer for their living expenses, medical care (when provided by the employer), and other necessities. "Fines" for "misbehavior" are added to the original debt over time, and the process that the employers use to calculate these debts is not transparent. Employers also sometimes "resell," or threaten to resell, troublesome women or women found to be HIV positive, thereby increasing the victims' debts and often leading to even worse working conditions.

DAY 36: i need an attitude adjustment

2009-04-03T09:50:00.003-06:00

................this morning i did not want to wake up. because i was tired. but more importantly because i just wanted to do my own thing. toss responsibility out the window. roll back over and go to sleep. but these last few days i've changed things up a bit. you see, for the last 7 months that i've been living at home with me mum, she took it as her delight and ministry to make me breakfast every morning. but this last week i realized that i need to be taking charge and care of my life and doing the responsible things. in a sense, giving back. so this morning i woke up, made my own breakfast of two eggs and two pieces of toast. didn't want to. didn't even want to go to work this morning. even said last night i didn't have to be at work the next morning. but i SHOULD. and the power of that word is starting to have more sway over my life than ever before. i used to balk at the word. rebel at the mere thought. but there are more important things than constantly proving a point. it's called PEACE.you see there are times to fight and times to relax. and in learning to just take 'er easy instead of having to live in conflict, i'll last longer. i'll keep on keeping on. it's not my nature. by nature i'm more like a tornado ready to rip through a trailer park and wreak havoc! bwahahaha. but i'm sick of it....actually. i've had enough of that. so i'm gonna do what's required of me. be patient, self-controlled, and kind. and it's especially hard in the mornings when i'm stretched to the max and wanna blow up at the slightest noise that's a little too loud. just totally freak. no more freaking. i've given it up. and you know the strangest thing? i do have more peace. i used to be nasty in the mornings. i used to me mean spirited and bite peoples' heads off. i used to delight in causing people pain in the morning, just so i wouldn't be miserable all on my own. turns out that's a pretty gross way of thinking. if i would have been pleasant in the morning, a whole lot of things would have been different in my growing up years. i guess now's as good a time for change as any...
my utmost for His highest...
IF THOU HADST KNOWN!
"If thou hadst known . . . in this thy day, the things which belong unto thy peace! but now they are hid from thine eyes." Luke 19:42
Jesus had entered into Jerusalem in triumph, the city was stirred to its foundations; but a strange god was there, the pride of Pharisaism; it was religious and upright, but a "whited sepulchre."
What is it that blinds me in this "my day"? Have I a strange god - not a disgusting monster, but a disposition that rules me? More than once God has brought me face to face with the strange god and I thought I should have to yield, but I did not do it. I got through the crisis by the skin of my teeth and I find myself in the possession of the strange god still; I am blind to the things which belong to my peace. It is an appalling thing that we can be in the place where the Spirit of God should be getting at us unhinderedly, and yet increase our condemnation in God's sight.
"If thou hadst known" - God goes direct to the heart, with the tears of Jesus behind. These words imply culpable responsibility; God holds us responsible for what we do not see. "Now they are hid from thine eyes" - because the disposition has never been yielded. The unfathomable sadness of the "might have been!" God never opens doors that have been closed. He opens other doors, but He reminds us that there are doors which we have shut, doors which need never have been shut, imaginations which need never have been sullied. Never be afraid when God brings back the past. Let memory have its way. It is a minister of God with its rebuke and chastisement and sorrow. God will turn the "might have been" into a wonderful culture for the future.

time to ramble.

2009-04-02T11:19:00.004-06:00

you ever had one of those days where you just have to write but you have no idea what you're gonna write about, but you have so many thoughts whirling around in your head just dying to get out. you know you sound like, "blah blah blah," but the fact that you have thoughts and they just gotta get out makes you feel like a super genius of some kind. brainy. like you're ready to take over the world. just looking for that opportunity to state what you wanna say - no holds barred (or whatever the heck that means).

freedom. what does it mean? time to get PHILOSOPHICAL! ha ha ha. oh sheila. you're lame. anyways, but seriously (oh my gosh i say that waaaay too much). freedom means nothing holding you down? nothing holding you back? but it can't just mean complete reckless abandon, can it? that would leave the world in a continual state of chaos. but perhaps that's where we should be. what would the world look like it everyone did what they want when they want to? i guess it depends on the state of the people. on the state of their happiness. on their relationship with God.
what if the church was in a state of reckless abandon?
what would happen to institution? how come when i get all philosophical it's easier to ask questions than it is to provide answers? perhaps i ask so many questions because i know that i'm really being hypothetical. ok, so i'm gonna go back now and answer all the questions that i've voiced. this might take a while....
freedom means (and i'm not going to do the whole 'as defined by Webster's dictionary' thingy) letting go, having the wherewithall to take risks, being able to reach out and touch the impossible, even if only in your imagination. because there are degrees to freedom. i know, that sounds far too analystic, far too regimented, but even freedom has a balance. everything has a balance. otherwise everything ends up in chaos. and freedom isn't chaos. if i recklessly abandon myself then i make a wreck of a lot of things. since i don't want to be destructive, freedom must mean that i take care of my world and myself while not taking it all too seriously. being a little crazy. BEING A LITTLE CRAZY KEEPS YOU FROM GOING INSANE.
what if the church were in a state of reckless abandon? i think the church is, to a degree (:P). Now when i mention the church i don't mean the institutional religious establishment used to delegate Christianity to something we "DO" and not something we "ARE". when i mean the church i mean the PEOPLE of God. Those pursuing the kingdom with everything in them. A body made up of all kinds of people. a schmozzle. divers-ity. so there. my take on freedom isn't really defined. i tried. i was found wanting. i want freedom. but if i try to define it i know that i don't really have it. or maybe i do. but the confusion of "do i or don't i" drives me bananas, and makes me wanna hammer down,
???and freedom can't be something to be defined. because by its definition, it is wanting that which you don't have????
oh dang. i just remembered all the people in this world who live under tyranny and oppression, and slavery, and economic depravity. they long for freedom. and they know how to imagine exactly what it looks like. the light they can define is opposite of their darkness. perhaps i don't know how to properly define freedom because i already have it. perhaps i take it for granted. dang. yup. i definitely do. it's like trying to explain what an apple tastes like, while your mouth is full of it. so full you can't really talk. can't really describe. i can't really define freedom, and NOW i think that we here in church should stop crying out for freedom, because WE HAVE IT ALREADY!!! i think there's a time to be grateful and a time to petition.
..........OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! here's a thought!!! perhaps when we feel the need for freedom it's really sympathy, empathy, a longing for someone else to have it. we should pray for it for other people, and not ourselves. PASS ON THE BLESSING.
wow. this turned into a really good rambling session. definitely learnt something. definitely was challenged. definitely gonna be thinking about some things differently today.
go in grace, my friends!
until next time,
...just the ramblings of a simple girl, following the call of an awesome God.

DAY 35: what's in a name?

2009-04-02T09:44:00.006-06:00

.............my name has many meanings. sheila either means "inner beauty" or "lover of music" but i think it carries a curse with it as well. another meaning of my name is "blind." on all the little do-dads that i've seen with meanings of names on them, little knick-knacks in mall kiosks and such, that's usually the meaning that comes up most frequently. Sheila is the Anglicized form of SÍLE. Sile is the Irish form of CECILIA. Cecilia is the Latinate feminine form of the Roman family name Caecilius, which was derived from Latin caecus "blind". Saint Cecilia was a semi-legendary 2nd- or 3rd-century martyr who was sentenced to die because she refused to worship the Roman gods. After attempts to suffocate her failed, she was beheaded. She was later regarded as the patron saint of music and musicians. Due to the popularity of the saint, the name became common in the Christian world during the Middle Ages. It was brought by the Normans to England, where it was commonly spelled Cecily - the Latinate form Cecilia came into use in the 18th century.
........i am blind to a great many things. i'm waaaay too gullible, something a lot of people have waaaay too much fun with. as impaired as my sight can be sometimes, and i overlook really important things, the impairing of my common sense somewhat affects my character. i rarely purposely neglect anything, but all too often it's just overlooked. and that causes a lot of problems - from unpaid parking tickets, to getting caught up in studies and forgetting to eat. ever since i was a child it was the stories where Jesus healed the blind people that got to me. and then i found out that my name had that meaning and it was like, "oh... i get it now..." my insight into the person of Jesus is my choice, and how and when i cast my eyes on Him is critically my part to play. but when i turn to Him, will He open my eyes?
my utmost for His highest...
THE GLORY THAT EXCELS
"The Lord . . . hath sent me that thou mightest receive thy sight." Acts 9:17
When Paul received his sight, he received spiritually an insight into the Person of Jesus Christ, and the whole of his subsequent life and preaching was nothing but Jesus Christ - "I determined not to know anything among you, save Jesus Christ, and Him crucified." No attraction was ever allowed to hold the mind and soul of Paul save the face of Jesus Christ.
We have to learn to maintain an unimpaired state of character up to the last notch revealed in the vision of Jesus Christ.
The abiding characteristic of a spiritual man is the interpretation of the Lord Jesus Christ to himself, and the interpretation to others of the purposes of God. The one concentrated passion of the life is Jesus Christ. Whenever you meet this note in a man, you feel he is a man after God's own heart.
Never allow anything to deflect you from insight into Jesus Christ. It is the test of whether you are spiritual or not. To be unspiritual means that other things have a growing fascination for you.

DAY 34: the fine line.

2009-04-01T09:31:00.002-06:00

.........................there is a fine line between honestly admitting failure to make things right, and revealing your dirty laundry knowing it's gonna hurt someone but needing to get it off your chest so badly that it doesn't really matter if it hurts them. that's an awful thing to realize. and it's awful because you pray about it and pray about it, and think that you're doing the right thing and then you shoot yourself in the foot. i've done this far too many times. i'm so glad that Jesus prays for me, and for those i care about, because heaven knows i make enough mistakes, frequent mistakes, and sometimes hearty mistakes.
...............today i'm in a new place. i've made mistakes, i'm far from perfect, and i'll continue to mess up in life. that's a guarantee. but i've had to come to the decision that people make their own decisions, and as much of an influence i have on other people, they're responsible for their actions. this isn't heartless, because i never stop praying about them, whomever they may be. but when people badger me out of the presence of God, but still mess with my mind, sending me mixed signals, "i know you're chasing after God, and i respect that, but i wanna see how far i can pull you out of the way," that takes me in the opposite direction, and starts to change me into something that i'm not. and yet i see the sinful tendency in me to do that thing, to go to that place, and i think it's me. but it's not. i stepped out of the line of intercession. and i'm all done with that now. i remember a devotional from a while back, where Oswald talked about having to leave certain people and things behind, and trusting that God will take care of it in the end. So here goes....... i'm leaving it behind. i'm praying about it still, but it's all done and over with.
HEARTINESS V. HEARTLESSNESS TOWARDS OTHERS
"It is Christ . . . who also maketh intercession for us." "The Spirit . . . maketh intercession for the saints." Romans 8:34, 27
Do we need any more argument than this to become intercessors - that Christ "ever liveth to make intercession;" that the Holy Spirit "maketh intercession for the saints"? Are we living in such a vital relationship to our fellow men that we do the work of intercession as the Spirit-taught children of God? Begin with the circumstances we are in - our homes, our business, our country, the present crisis as it touches us and others - are these things crushing us? Are they badgering us out of the presence of God and leaving us no time for worship? Then let us call a halt, and get into such living relationship with God that our relationship to others may be maintained on the line of intercession whereby God works His marvels.
Beware of outstripping God by your very longing to do His will. We run ahead of Him in a thousand and one activities, consequently we get so burdened with persons and with difficulties that we do not worship God, we do not intercede. If once the burden and the pressure come upon us and we are not in the worshipping attitude, it will produce not only hardness toward God but despair in our own souls. God continually introduces us to people for whom we have no affinity, and unless we are worshipping God, the most natural thing to do is to treat them heartlessly, to give them a text like the jab of a spear, or leave them with a rapped-out counsel of God and go. A heartless Christian must be a terrible grief to Our Lord.
Are we in the direct line of the intercession of our Lord and of the Holy Spirit?

DAY 33: i am no longer alive.

2009-03-31T09:33:00.002-06:00

....................i have been heedful, but i have also been a hypocrite. i have spoken out against behaviour that is unbecoming to a Christian, while i myself have been serving only my own selfish desires. while i was going for my regular morning walk today, i thought of exactly what i wanted to write about on my blog. then when i sat down to do a topical study on what i wanted to discuss, i found that it was far too personal to delve into. but i needed to research it. i needed to study the Word. because it's life. it makes the reader clean. it purifies at the same time it challenges. i see where people are failing, but really only because i see the same shortcomings in myself. i see the material-driven, selfish, lustful, proud, greedy bent in myself that i see in so many people. And this is what I saw in myself..........
............"You have lived for yourself long enough. Your idolatry, glorifying your own desires and needs, are but filthy rags. Your drive for perfection is nothing but chasing after the wind - completely pointless. You buy and chase after the things of this world, but don't see the need all around you. You challenge other people to live sold out for Christ, while you keep holding onto secret things, not wanting to give them up. You lie and you cheat. What makes you think that you have it all together? You don't. You are a whore unto yourself - always needing to have fun, always chasing after the latest trend. Hand it over, Sheila. Give up. Pick up your cross, hand it over to Jesus, place your shame, and filth on His shoulders, and drive those nails through His hands."
Galatians 2:19-21 (New King James Version)
[19] For I through the law died to the law that I might live to God. [20] I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. [21] I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law, then Christ died in vain.”
my utmost for His highest...
HEEDFULNESS V. HYPOCRISY IN OURSELVES
"If any man see his brother sin a sin which is not unto death, he shall ask, and He shall give him Life for them that sin not unto death." 1 John 5:16
If we are not heedful of the way the Spirit of God works in us, we will become spiritual hypocrites. We see where other folks are failing, and we turn our discernment into the gibe of criticism instead of into intercession on their behalf. The revelation is made to us not through the acuteness of our minds, but by the direct penetration of the Spirit of God, and if we are not heedful of the source of the revelation, we will become criticizing centres and forget that God says - ". . . he shall ask, and He shall give him life for them that sin not unto death." Take care lest you play the hypocrite by spending all your time trying to get others right before you worship God yourself.
One of the subtlest burdens God ever puts on us as saints is this burden of discernment concerning other souls. He reveals things in order that we may take the burden of these souls before Him and form the mind of Christ about them, and as we intercede on His line, God says He will give us "life for them that sin not unto death." It is not that we bring God into touch with our minds, but that we rouse ourselves until God is able to convey His mind to us about the one for whom we intercede.
Is Jesus Christ seeing of the travail of His soul in us? He cannot unless we are so identified with Himself that we are roused up to get His view about the people for whom we pray. May we learn to intercede so whole-heartedly that Jesus Christ will be abundantly satisfied with us as intercessors.

DAY 30: i don't understand this one...

2009-03-28T11:35:00.003-06:00

{{{IN HINDSIGHT>> I am writing this the following Tuesday: I did not understand this, because I was clinging to my notions of how I was going to do something, and who was going to do it with me. I was going right back to that which I was supposed to turn away from. I was weighing the pros and cons, taking all my options into consideration, when in reality, I should have been handing everything over to Him and what He wants for me. I've been so selfish. For reference on how I'm doing with this, check out DAY 33 for follow-up. No more 'compromise with conceptions that never came from Him.' "Jesus, all for Jesus, all I am and have, and ever hope to be......" as the song goes.}}}

............ok this is the part where i have to discern through community. this is not making sense today. anyone wanna help me out here??.............................
my utmost for His highest...
ISN'T THERE SOME MISUNDERSTANDING?
"Let us go into Judea. His disciples say unto Him . . . Goest Thou thither again?" John 11:7-8
I may not understand what Jesus Christ says, but it is dangerous to say that therefore He was mistaken in what He said. It is never right to think that my obedience to a word of God will bring dishonour to Jesus. The only thing that will bring dishonour is not obeying Him. To put my view of His honour in place of what He is plainly impelling me to do is never right, although it may arise from a real desire to prevent Him being put to open shame. I know when the proposition comes from God because of its quiet persistence: When I have to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate come in, I am bringing in an element that is not of God, and I come to the conclusion that the suggestion was not a right one. Many of us are loyal to our notions of Jesus Christ, but how many of us are loyal to Him? Loyalty to Jesus means I have to step out where I do not see anything (cf. Matt. 14:29); loyalty to my notions means that I clear the ground first by my intelligence. Faith is not intelligent understanding, faith is deliberate commitment to a Person where I see no way.
Are you debating whether to take a step in faith in Jesus or to wait until you can see how to do the thing yourself? Obey Him with glad reckless joy. When He says something and you begin to debate, it is because you have a conception of His honour which is not His honour. Are you loyal to Jesus or loyal to your notion of Him? Are you loyal to what He says, or are you trying to compromise with conceptions which never came from Him? "Whatsoever He saith unto you, do it."

DAY 29: stop beating myself up.

2009-03-27T17:10:00.001-06:00

my utmost for His highest...
VISION BY PERSONAL CHARACTER
"Come up hither, and I will shew thee things." Revelation 4:1
An elevated mood can only come out of an elevated habit of personal character. If in the externals of your life you live up to the highest you know, God will continually say - "Friend, go up higher." The golden rule in temptation is - Go higher. When you get higher up, you face other temptations and characteristics. Satan uses the strategy of elevation in temptation, and God does the same, but the effect is different. When the devil puts you into an elevated place, he makes you screw your idea of holiness beyond what flesh and blood could ever hear, it is a spiritual acrobatic performance, you are just poised and dare not move; but when God elevates you by His grace into the heavenly places, instead of finding a pinnacle to cling to, you find a great table-land where it is easy to move.
Compare this week in your spiritual history with the same week last year and see how God has called you up higher. We have all been brought to see from a higher standpoint. Never let God give you one point of truth which you do not instantly live up to. Always work it out, keep in the light of it.
Growth in grace is measured not by the fact that you have not gone back, but that you have an insight into where you are spiritually; you have heard God say "Come up higher," not to you personally, but to the insight of your character.
"Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?" God has to hide from us what He does until by personal character we get to the place where He can reveal it.

DAY 28: everything i need is You...

2009-03-26T10:22:00.004-06:00

.......................i am so sick of this. i'm not playing with my heart anymore. i love purity. i love being the good girl. and i'm really starting to get annoyed by influences in this world that would try to pull me aside from the path i'm on. they don't understand that once you've decided to chase after God with everything in you nothing else matters half as much. i'm focused. i know what i want, and now it seems as though there's a million things trying to pull my attention from it. it's like i'm a flower that's stretching and rushing up to the light, up to the warmth of the Son, and there's all these weeds around me, all these taller plants that want to put me in the shade. i need to have the attitude, "heck no...i won't go." am i really chasing after God? am i really not wanting to hear any voice but the bridegroom? yesterday i was talking with a friend, and the topic of "If Jesus showed up and was like, you can have all your dreams here on earth, or you can come home now..." what would you say? i've thought since i was a very small child that there couldn't be anything more amazing than standing in His presence praising Him for eternity. perhaps there's gonna be some work i can do for Him in heaven. but then again, all my life all i've wanted to hear is Jesus saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant..." and how can i hear that if i don't get all that i desire here on earth? that might sound strange, but my desires here on earth is that i be faithful with what i have and completely abandon myself to everything that God would have for me. work as hard as i can in order to do what God would want me to do. that's what's really important. if i make God happy, if i follow His will, that's really what matters. nothing else really does. my desire is to be used. completely. nothing left of me afterwards, yet more of me than i imagined because He's grown me.
my utmost for His highest...
VISION BY PERSONAL PURITY
"Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God." Matthew 5:8
Purity is not innocence, it is much more. Purity is the outcome of sustained spiritual sympathy with God. We have to grow in purity. The life with God may be right and the inner purity remain unsullied, and yet every now and again the bloom on the outside may be sullied. God does not shield us from this possibility, because in this way we realize the necessity of maintaining the vision by personal purity. If the spiritual bloom of our life with God is getting impaired in the tiniest degree, we must leave off everything and get it put right. Remember that vision depends on character - the pure in heart see God.
God makes us pure by His sovereign grace, but we have something to look after, this bodily life by which we come in contact with other people and with other points of view, it is these that are apt to sully. Not only must the inner sanctuary be kept right with God, but the outer courts as well are to be brought into perfect accord with the purity God gives us by His grace. The spiritual understanding is blurred immediately when the outer court is sullied. If we are going to retain personal contact with the Lord Jesus Christ, it will mean there are some things we must scorn to do or to think, some legitimate things we must scorn to touch.
A practical way of keeping personal purity unsullied in relation to other people is to say to yourself - That man, that woman, perfect in Christ Jesus! That friend, that relative, perfect in Christ Jesus!

DAY 27: ur mission, should u choose to accept it...

2009-03-25T12:13:00.003-06:00

.....................i've made my choice to chase after holiness. to abandon myself to His cause. to hang on to the rope He tosses out, hanging on so tight my knuckles turn white and i grit my teeth. yes, i know this is an image of tenaciousness, hardship, and trial, but in all reality it's a beautiful image. have you ever loved someone so much that you just want to squeeze the breath right out of them? have you ever cherished something so much that you want to smother it? yet you know that you can't? that you have to let it go in order to let it continue? i'm starting to realize that's what faith is like. faith is like catch and release fishing. i don't know if you've ever gone fishing, but this is what it's like: you search for a spot. you search for a reeeeally long time. then once you've found a spot, you wonder if you're in the right spot. and then you doubt if you're in the right place - ironic, since you just moved there because it was where you needed to go. but in order to stop the insanity, you resign yourself, hunker down and bait your hook. and then you cast your line, in all hope and longing to get the desired result. and as you real it in, you wait. perhaps you let your hook bob. perhaps you let it trail behind the boat. regardless, you can't force anything to happen. you can't force the fish to bite, and spiritually you can't force yourself to learn a lesson faster than you're capable. after a few failures, doubts about your spot, etc, you cast one last time. with an earnest cry to the heavens, "I can't do this alone! I could use some help here!!" you notice a little tug. A little pull. A little bit of discomfort. and you leap for joy because it's TIME. you land that hook, that lesson, and yank to make sure it's secure. and then you wrestle, struggle, laugh, cry, and draw peoples' attention to what's going on. you haul it up to the surface, get a good look at it and savor the wonder of the moment. you did it, but still say, "Thank you Lord for Your provision." but then what? He gave it to you, you gotta give it back. catch and RELEASE. not taking credit for it. oh sure, you can document the moment, take a picture, record the stats, but you can't keep it. you gotta pass it on to the next person to catch. to wait for, struggle with, and exalt over. and then one day you'll celebrate together. because then it's not about sharing the stories about the one that got away, the lesson you failed to learn, it's about encouraging one another on in the mission, in the goal. perhaps fully appreciating when you see someone reeling in that big catch and shouting little pieces of advice so they get it safely in the boat of their life.
.................................all of this has been building up to this point: i obtained Christ, but i cannot keep Him for myself, because in essence, He gave Himself to me. i have to pass Him on. not let myself take the credit for having drawn near to Him, made right decisions. i hung on, yes, but i had people hollering at me, telling me to pull this way or that, perhaps even pointing out the good spots to be in. but when people see the lessons that i've learnt, i hope they don't see me. i hope they see that it's been catch and release the whole time. that my mission here on earth was not to better myself, but to better His name, and pass it on.

THE MOST DELICATE MISSION ON EARTH
"The friend of the Bridegroom." John 3:29
Goodness and purity ought never to attract attention to themselves, they ought simply to be magnets to draw to Jesus Christ. If my holiness is not drawing towards Him, it is not holiness of the right order, but an influence that will awaken inordinate affection and lead souls away into side-eddies. A beautiful saint may be a hindrance if he does not present Jesus Christ but only what Christ has done for him. He will leave the impression - "What a fine character that man is!" That is not being a true friend of the Bridegroom; I am increasing all the time, He is not.
In order to maintain this friendship and loyalty to the Bridegroom, we have to be more careful of our moral and vital relationship to Him than of any other thing, even of obedience. Sometimes there is nothing to obey, the only thing to do is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ, to see that nothing interferes with that. Only occasionally do we have to obey. When a crisis arises we have to find out what God's will is, but the greater part of the life is not conscious obedience but the maintenance of this relationship - the friend of the Bridegroom. Christian work may be a means of evading the soul's concentration on Jesus Christ. Instead of being friends of the Bridegroom, we may become amateur providences, and may work against Him whilst we use His weapons.

DAY 26: He's everything to me!

2009-03-24T09:59:00.008-06:00

.......................what am i looking forward to? i don't know. but i have this strange feeling of anticipation. i know what i could possibly be anticipating, but i don't think it's any of those - finishing my fourth year missions degree, registering with the UofS to start CERTESL this summer/fall, working at a job that's competely unrelated to ministry (yes, yes, i know, as a Christian i can't help but be in a position where i am ministering to people, i never get a break :D ), or perhaps it's the fact that God has been doing so much healing in my heart lately, especially since i decided to live in the confidence that i've been made new!! double exclamation mark!! but lately i feel like i'm being called to give up certain hopes and dreams, and that scares me. i know that if i give them up, if i hand them over, i might not get them. yet, if i don't give them up, then i'll be keeping myself in a place where i'm in control. and i might get what i want, but i won't get what i really need - the best of the best. so i'll decrease. i'll put my agenda on hold. i'll surrender and give up. as much as i want to attain my desires, i want to hear Jesus' voice again even more. i want His embrace. i want to hear Him say, "Come away with me..." because He really is EVERYTHING TO ME....and i will follow....

my utmost for His highest...
DECREASING INTO HIS PURPOSE
"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30
If you become a necessity to a soul, you are out of God's order. As a worker, your great responsibility is to be a friend of the Bridegroom. When once you see a soul in sight of the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been in the right direction, and instead of putting out a hand to prevent the throes, pray that they grow ten times stronger until there is no power on earth or in hell that can hold that soul away from Jesus Christ. Over and over again, we become amateur providences, we come in and prevent God; and say - "This and that must not be." Instead of proving friends of the Bridegroom, we put our sympathy in the way, and the soul will one day say - "That one was a thief, he stole my affections from Jesus, and I lost my vision of Him."
Beware of rejoicing with a soul in the wrong thing, but see that you do rejoice in the right thing. "The friend of the Bridegroom . . . rejoiceth greatly because of the Bridegroom's voice: this my joy therefore is fulfilled. He must increase, but I must decrease." This is spoken with joy and not with sadness - at last they are to see the Bridegroom! And John says this is his joy. It is the absolute effacement of the worker, he is never thought of again.
Watch for all you are worth until you hear the Bridegroom's voice in the life of another. Never mind what havoc it brings, what upsets, what crumblings of health, rejoice with divine hilarity when once His voice is heard. You may often see Jesus Christ wreck a life before He saves it. (Cf. Matt. 10:34.)

DAY 25: my carnal tongue.

2009-03-23T10:20:00.003-06:00

....................where's James when you need him?
1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, [20] for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires...
[26] If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless....
2:12 Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, [13] because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!......
James 3
Taming the Tongue [1] Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. [2] We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. [10] Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?
Two Kinds of Wisdom [13] Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. [14] But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. [15] Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. [16] For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. [17] But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. [18] Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness......

..............................................................okay, so to be completely honest i am pretty humbled today, and feeling REALLY sheepish. this last week the unthinkable happened, and i've been holidng onto my resentment far too dearly. my school notified me that i have a course that i have to do in the time of a month. that's pretty intense. and now it's time for confession....
........i could have done the course last semester, but since i was just starting out as an intern it was decided that it would probably be best if i did it this semester instead. i was trying to ask those in charge who would teach it, and if they'd agreed to it, and i harped on it for a long time, anticipating that it would get done. it didn't. i was hoping that it would start at the beginning of the semester, and i could get working on it, but it never happened. and then all of a sudden i have to cram because someone else was only human and overlooked some stuff. no one's perfect. thanks for pointing that out James! but i've been upset and felt like i'd been wronged, and was hanging onto it with everything in me. and that's just not fair. i've messed up in so many ways, and let people down, and procrastinated things that affected other peoples' lives. and with James pointing out that teachers above all are judged more strictly. perhaps this isn't God judging them, but their students. we tend to have a higher standard for teachers. and i certainly do. and when they let me down i'm quite upset. and so that's where i'm at. yet, i have to submit and not slander those who do me wrong. i have to submit and plug away at the work regardless. and let my works prove my commitment and dedication to my calling. part of me is glad about that, cuz right now my words completely negate my faithful heart/actions. this is a test, and i hope that i pass. so all the negative things i've said about this mixup at school: rewind, erase, play. i'm sorry.

my utmost for His highest...
AM I CARNALLY MINDED?
"Whereas there is among you jealousy and strife, are ye not carnal?" 1 Corinthians 3:3
No natural man knows anything about carnality. The flesh lusting against the Spirit that came in at regeneration, and the Spirit lusting against the flesh, produces carnality. "Walk in the Spirit," says Paul, "and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh"; and carnality will disappear.
Are you contentious, easily troubled about trifles? "Oh, but no one who is a Christian ever is!" Paul says they are, he connects these things with carnality. Is there a truth in the Bible that instantly awakens petulance in you? That is a proof that you are yet carnal. If sanctification is being worked out, there is no trace of that spirit left.
If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He does not ask you to put it right; He asks you to accept the light, and He will put it right. A child of the light confesses instantly and stands bared before God; a child of the darkness says - "Oh, I can explain that away." When once the light breaks and the conviction of wrong comes, be a child of the light, and confess, and God will deal with what is wrong; if you vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.
What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone it is the most real thing imaginable. God will see that you have any number of opportunities to prove to yourself the marvel of His grace. The practical test is the only proof. "Why," you say, "if this had happened before, there would have been the spirit of resentment!" You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

DAY 23: i have faith that i have no faith without Him giving me faith......

2009-03-21T22:25:00.003-06:00

.............okay, here's my beef: i am in the process of discovering who i am and why i do the things i do, and whether or not i like either of those conclusions (or, rather, the many conclusions i could come to) and i'm told that i have to give up my claim to my right to myself. me me me me me. dang. i want to be holy. i want to be in the light as He is in the light, and yet, that means that i must give myself completely up to the sovereignty of the Lord, and the leading of His Holy Spirit. once again we are talking in generalities. figuratively, i must surrender it all... and yet there is a very large part of me that says that i must LITERALLY surrender it all as well. and die to myself. do i deny myself? how much do i deny? do i hand it all over, thereby neglecting my wants and desires, not because they may be evil, but because they're mine, and not His. in giving my desires to Him, i surrender my individuality. and yet, He made me an individual - unique, interesting, and priceless. yet when i see it, i have to give it up. what a vicious cycle! like Oswald goes on to say, it takes continual faith. i've had to have faith in order to have faith for so long. i've had to trust, surrender, and hope that i have faith, because how could i really know that i have faith? how can it be measured? by what i do? will my actions speak for themselves, and if not, how is faith manifested in my daily walk? oh all the questions, which only go to show that i have faith that God will see the answers, especially when i don't!! i am not conscious of my faith, in fact, i doubt if i have faith, so i act in faith that i have faith. oh my. this is complicated. that made much more sense as i was writing it, and i just looked it over and i think i'm slightly wacko. so...... i'll live today in today, not bring in the past or the future, and just walk on, one foot in front of the other. oh boy. how could something so simple raise such serious questions??...........
my utmost for His highest...
INTEREST OR IDENTIFICATION?
"I have been crucified with Christ." Galatians 2:20
The imperative need spiritually is to sign the death warrant of the disposition of sin, to turn all emotional impressions and intellectual beliefs into a moral verdict against the disposition of sin, viz., my claim to my right to myself. Paul says - "I have been crucified with Christ"; he does not say - "I have determined to imitate Jesus Christ," or, "I will endeavour to follow Him" - but - "I have been identified with Him in His death." When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ.
". . . nevertheless I live. . . ." The individuality remains, but the mainspring, the ruling disposition, is radically altered. The same human body remains, but the old satanic right to myself is destroyed.
"And the life which I now live in the flesh . . . ," not the life which I long to live and pray to live, but the life I now live in my mortal flesh, the life which men can see, "I live by the faith of the Son of God." This faith is not Paul's faith in Jesus Christ, but the faith that the Son of God has imparted to him - "the faith of the Son of God." It is no longer faith in faith, but faith which has overleapt all conscious bounds, the identical faith of the Son of God.

DAY 22: put me in check.

2009-03-20T12:45:00.002-06:00

.........this is just a short entry today for 3 reasons: (1) i am tired cuz i got home waaaay too late last night, (2) i am in meetings all day, and really need to go get some starbucks so i don't fall asleep, (3) i am contented where i am at right now, and here's why:
....i am delighted in God. i pray with Him, and i know what His will for my life is. A lot of people always wonder what that looks like, and for everyone it's different. I just so happen to know what an element of His will looks like for my life right now. and i'm okay with it. and i'm walking in it. havin a good time, chasing after Him. i am also in difficulty because i see the first step, and i'm going for it, but i don't see the second. i still don't know where or when i'll do the work He's set aside for me to do. i know what i desire, what i long for, and i would delight if i had it, but i'll delight myself in the Lord first and foremost, and see where that takes me.
but i gotta go get a caramel macchiato now or i'm gonna wilt...
my utmost for His highest...
FRIENDSHIP WITH GOD
"Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?" Genesis 18:17
Its Delights. This chapter brings out the delight of real friendship with God as compared with occasional feelings of His presence in prayer. To be so much in contact with God that you never need to ask Him to show you His will, is to be nearing the final stage of your discipline in the life of faith. When you are rightly related to God, it is a life of freedom and liberty and delight, you are God's will, and all your common-sense decisions are His will for you unless He checks. You decide things in perfect delightful friendship with God, knowing that if your decisions are wrong He will always check; when He checks, stop at once.
Its Difficulties. Why did Abraham stop praying when he did? He was not intimate enough yet to go boldly on until God granted his desire, there was something yet to be desired in his relationship to God. Whenever we stop short in prayer and say - "Well, I don't know; perhaps it is not God's will," there is still another stage to go. We are not so intimately acquainted with God as Jesus was, and as He wants us to be - "That they may be one even as we are one." Think of the last thing you prayed about - were you devoted to your desire or to God? Determined to get some gift of the Spirit or to get at God? "Your Heavenly Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask Him." The point of asking is that you may get to know God better. "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart." Keep praying in order to get a perfect understanding of God Himself.

WHAT DO I SAY ABOUT THE LIONS' DEN??

2009-03-19T16:46:00.001-06:00

Kirk Franklin definitely challenges in a mighty powerful way! Listen to it, it's got me thinkin. What's it got u thinkin? Leave a comment...let's get some discussion happenin!